MY DUDE and me have been together for close to 5 years and have been living together for about 18 months. Here’s the good: I love everything about him and we’re a great team. I couldn’t ask for a better man. Also, we’re super sexually compatible. Used to have rock star sex. Here’s the bad: right now we’re averaging maybe 3-4 times in the sack per month. Seriously. We’re in a sexual wasteland. It’s so dead I can hear tumbleweeds blowing by.
We talked about it and he says it’s because by the time we get in bed at night, we’re both so tired from work, school: blah, blah blah. All the stereotypical shit. He wants to work on this with me; he suggested some “outside stimulation” but I’m not sure what that means or how to pursue it. We already watch porn once in a while, but I am bored with that now. He suggested going to a strip club. I’m totally fine with that except we have no idea where to go. I’ve gone to strip clubs a couple times with friends, never with a boyfriend, and only once in Los Angeles. I’m not sure what to expect or what to do.
I like the idea of being able to be in a booth, to be able to watch from a not-so-far distance till I feel more comfortable (w/ private dance). Where should we go? What should I expect? Also…I don’t expect this to be a fix-all. When we were discussing this, he asked me “What do you want?” And the truth is, I’m not sure. I couldn’t answer him. I guess I want regular sex like 3-4 times a week. I want it to be passionate and fun and kinky. But, I don’t know right now how to make that happen. I’ve been putting all the pressure on him to initiate the kink in our relationship, and I think maybe it’s my turn to be more expressive or adventurous but, where should I start? I’d consider myself pretty open-minded. I’ll try anything once! Anything you can suggest? Which strip clubs we should try? I don’t want some skanky club with sad chicks with bad attitudes. I want to get turned on watching a lady dance for my guy. At least, I think that’s what I want.
While reading your letter, I had an epiphany. Over the years, I’ve been the single serving sex show for legions of guys who knew exactly what they wanted and would go to any lengths to get it. Sometimes, it was hilarious and elaborate—the things they wanted. One guy wanted me to wear faded yoga pants and a bra while I threw a banana crème pie in his face and he got off like that, licking whipped cream off his lips. Another man wanted to strip at the foot of my stairs and wear my stripper costumes. He walked around my pole awkwardly in my stripper shoes and danced for me to three songs while I threw his dollar bills at him. This was amusing for me and totally hot for him. He paid me for the pleasure of rejecting him and humiliating him. Another man brought me dirty rubber bands so I could wrap them around his dick. And then, at the end of the day, there was always Enema Man, who gave himself enemas on the reg and paid me to watch him behind glass.
What fascinated me and made me cringe with jealousy was this: these men felt 100% sure of what they wanted and fully entitled to their pleasure. They went to great lengths and paid a lot of money to realize their fantasy and have them fulfilled.
While reading your letter, I realized that maybe I was wrong to resent them for their privileged desire in our culture because it’s just as great and maybe even a tiny bit greater to be curious and to not know. The not-knowing-what-you-want is a great place to begin your treasure hunt with your boyfriend. Your innocence and game attitude is the perfect launching pad for you and your boyfriend to begin exploring what would turn you both on and give your sex life an exhilarating B shot. You are a saucy sex kitten who has yet to find her banana crème pie. You’re not jaded. You’re not over it. You’re up for anything. I love it.
Your dude gently suggested “outside stimulation.” This could mean anything, but I would take it to mean: Get outside of your home and into some new terrain. You both work too much and are tired and cozy on the couch fighting over the remote, right? I spoke to some couples that were in long-term relationships and one of them suggested this: Try some fantasy role-play. Agree to meet him at a bar and have a different name and a different occupation; dress differently and act differently. Or—Meet at a yoga class and pretend to not know each other and pick him up. Try something new in bed. Pretend to be that person. Pour yourself into the character until you both believe it. Fuck the shit out of him as that new other person.
Next. Yes! Take the initiative and go to a strip club. Some local places to start are: Jumbos: for a terrific, circus-driven strip bar experience; Cheetahs for a hipster, often Suicide-Girl frosted experience; and Sam’s Hoff Brau: a total opposite vibe of gritty, local working girls and flashy big spenders, where strippers carry their tips away in full garbage bags. Bring cash to tip the girls and get a dance with a girl who will dance for couples (not all of them will). Also, and this is very important, try to manage your expectations around the results of your night out. Strip clubs can be sordid, dark, sad places or deliciously great places with stimulating performances. You may go out and not have a great time, but brush it off and go get breakfast and talk smack. Try not to pressure each other into being sexual—that can feel overwhelming. At the club, watch and learn what the dances are like and talk to the girls and find a nice one who is sexy and cool. Then, see if you like it and see if he does. If you both do, then do it again.
Now that you have a few dates to plan, remember and realize that it’s totally normal to lose sexual steam in a long-term relationship and it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. You found a good guy and a great, stable relationship. You should feel grateful to have found someone you love that is willing to try new things. Getting through the dull parts in an intimate relationship will only cause you to feel closer. So, play the long game and settle in for a wild, fun, beautiful ride and maybe you’ll find your banana crème pie.