Seven Things We Don’t Care About This Week: Your Moment of Zen Edition

7. Madonna
Bored, sluggish, going through the motions, allowing a dancing troupe of minotaurs to place her this way and that on the stage like a well-gammed mannequin. As Joe Gilles told Norma Desmond, “There’s nothing tragic about being 50, not unless you’re trying to be 25.”

6. Kanye West
Wherefore this notion of West as genius? Is it just in comparison to the family he married into? He looked like a lost witch from Macbeth out there on Grammy Night, in his ridiculous sweatpants. By the pricking of my thumbs, something douchey this way comes.

5. Snow
If winter comes, can spring be far behind? Apparently yes.

4. Alabama
Last month marked the 150th anniversary of Alabama seceding from the Union. Try it again, Alabama, and I promise, no one will stop you. Heck, we’ll even give you some parting gifts. The house will stand better without you dragging it down.

alabama_ref_2001

3. Bruce Jenner
If the noted attention whore is serious about becoming a woman, may he do it proudly and set a great example for others to follow. If he’s doing it for the ratings, may he burn in hell. Which is to say, be locked in a room with various and sundry Kardashians, Sartre style, for all eternity.

2. Brian Williams
If this were a movie, he’d use his sudden free time to go to Afghanistan and re-establish his cred. Once there, his chopper really WOULD be shot down, and he’d call for help on his cell phone, but no one would believe him. Working title: The Anchorman Who Cried Wolf.

1. Jon Stewart
Everyone likes him, and his political views are estimable, but the naked emperor no one seems willing to point out is that Jon Stewart is not actually, you know, all that funny. Take away his “mug for the camera and make silly noises at something dumb a Republican did” move, and what remains? The best part of The Daily Show was always when he handed it over to Colbert.

About Billy The Poet

J. Edgar Nation must die.
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