Virgin Shark

 

OVER THE PAST several years, there have been increasing reports of female sharks giving birth without ever having encountered and totally nailed a male shark (italics mine).

In one of the earliest documented cases, the miracle hammerhead shark baby died minutes later when killed by a stingray.  Scientists say we need to learn from these sharks, as it’s an indicator of a species in trouble.  I say we need to watch out, or earth-women will start having babies without men.

The shark Messiah?

And I don’t say that to strike fear deep into the heart and loins of men, but rather women.  “Oh sure, sounds great – I don’t need a man to have a baby.”  “Men are useless.”  “You are the source of literally all of my problems.”  Sure, I’ve heard it all before, and often.  But hey, let’s go run off and listen to what the sharks are trying to tell us. Yeah, everybody, we can learn from sharks.  Just like the shark said, men are unnecessary, aren’t they?  But wait a minute….

Excuse me, Professor Brainiac ­– Who is going to change the water cooler jug at work?

I beg your pardon, Doctor Genius – Who is going to lift – by hand – the bundled editions of the latest Soap Opera Digest, ensuring they get from the delivery truck to the hair salon?

Not to put too fine a point on it, Officer Krupsky – Who will serve as the introductory element to such celebrity couples as TomKat, Bennifer, or Brangelina?

Women?  Hah!  They’re too busy painting their nails, breaking glass ceilings, and trying to conceive parthenogenetically.  This world needs the men around.

Who invented the printing press?  A man!

Who created the altimeter?  Some guy!

Where did Styrofoam come from?  This one dude!

We use inventions all the time, and without men, we might never again have another one.  Living in that sort of world is like living two thousand years ago, when they didn’t even know how to invent inventions.  And may I point out, however indelicately, that two thousands years ago also happens to be the only time in history that an earth-woman is alleged to have conceived new life without the liquid assistance of some eager gent?  And just like the miracle shark baby being killed within minutes of life by a stingray, the miracle human baby was killed a scant 30 years later (and remember 30 is the new 20) by being nailed to a cross.  So what have we learned in the past two millennia about these virgin birth babies?  Apparently nothing.

So go ahead and make a god out of this shark. Learn all you can from its mysteries. Give up on men. But don’t come crawling back to me when you realize that you need me.  Unless you want to have sex.  In that case, I’ll be here waiting.

About Brady Richards

Brady Richards is a freelancer of various ilks. As for his only published novel, one critic wrote, "When reading it, I couldn't decide whether Richards is a horrible writer or an innovative comic genious [sic]."
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