A Series of Tweets from #LiberalElites

I’M A DEMOCRAT. I think. The lines seem so blurred these days. But I stand for America in all of its magnificent diversity. You might call me a liberal. And I’m okay with that. Means I champion Lady Liberalty. What I don’t feel great about is being pegged as “liberal elite.” I believe it’s the right’s way of saying, “Quit yer critical thinkin’ and yer educated assessin’ and git with the Confederacy.” Wait wait! I just sounded smarmy and snooty, like a liberal elitist. Sorry. But wait. Maybe I am liberal elite. Well sheeeeiiit! Whattya know. Guess I’ll have to start celebrating my liberal elitism with a hashtag…

moose_superior

On an escalator, I know to stand right/walk left, and if you don’t, I will be very quietly annoyed. #liberalelite

I NEVER litter, except for tiny rolled up Trident gum wrappers and cigarette butts. #liberalelite

I would never shoot a moose, but would definitely eat moose meat on a gourmet burger with caramelized onions. #liberalelite

I’m not ok with white people using the N-word unless it’s Twain, Tarantino or the 94-year old guy selling used Band-Aids outside my post office. #liberalelite

I can name all the U.S. presidents except for 31 of them. #liberalelite

I still find Isabella Rossellini attractive. #liberalelite

I try not to drink more than a case of Dr. Pepper in a week. #liberalelite

When I hear a bump in the night, my 1st instinct before grabbing a gun is to embrace my silly fear and channel it into a screenplay. #liberalelite (p.s. I don’t own a gun)

I prefer the UK Office to the American version. #liberalelite

I visit the dentist once a year. #liberalelite

I enjoy movies with plot twists. #liberalelite

I love brioche croutons in my split pea soup. #liberalelite

I prefer not to put a spoiler on the back of my Subaru. #liberalelite

I can last 45 minutes watching a movie with subtitles before falling asleep. #liberalelite

I laughed at Emoju #liberalelite

emoju

About Craig Baldo

Craig Baldo is a comedian and copywriter living in Brooklyn. He’s currently the resident warm-up act for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and has been featured on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central’s Premium Blend and Last Comic Standing. His cartoons with Harry Bliss have been published in the New Yorker. His ads for Nike, Wendy’s and Verizon have been aired nationally. His political views have been featured on Facebook. Someday he will write a book.
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