“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
8. Neon sportswear — What are you all got-up as, irradiated pie filling? Because that’s what you look like, irradiated pie-filling.
7. Taylor Swift does something — A life spent fumbling through a darkened room in a wetsuit.
6. Upcoming IPhone release — Time travelers are already making fun of it.
5. Steakhouse open-carry pistoleros — Remember the Alamode!
4. North West — It’s not your fault, Northwest. I know it might seem goodbad right now what with your momdad being so presentnabsent, but onedaynever you mightwon’t be able to have anormalifedeleriumtremensonVH1.
3. Boysenberry Syrup at IHOP — A cloying admixture of leftover blueberry and strawberry syrups.
2. 116-year-old Japanese woman, oldest on record — Go on, live a little.
1. Ice bucket over head for ALS — Huy-Fong-Chili-Garlic-water-pistol in eye for Landau Kleffner, glove full of Amazonian bullet ants for Tardive Dyskinesia. Just write the check.