“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
7. The Forced, Desperate Mishmash of Reality TV Genres — Queer Amish Gladiators, Swamp Brides, Supernatural Pickers, Pawn Shop Housewives, Naked Rescue Cops, Ice Road Hoarders, Crocodile Police, Dancing with The Little People, Donald Trump Swap, Nanny Detective, Restaurant Makeover Island, Judge Gene Simmons, Bachelor with The 132 Pound Scrotum, Bret Michael’s Victorian Farm.
6. When Discussing Surrealism, Why Does Everybody Always Fish Skull Naked Woman? — Bullhorn airplane elephant gallows ant dalmatian lab-coat earwig sandstorm xylophone baboon walrus hallway centipede.
5. One Direction Fans Who Think Other People Care About One Direction — Where was the outrage when Joey Fatone and Lance Bass became members of that radical madrassa?
4. Impatiently Channel-Surfing Slow TV — Channel 12 Pot Not Yet Boiling; Channel 7 Fish Endlessly Swimming; Channel 5 Train Predictably Approaches Tunnel, Enters Tunnel, Exits Tunnel; Channel 19 Yule Log Listlessly Crackles; Channel 20 Hat Sluggishly Knitted; Channel 37 Still Raining; Channel 2 Plovers Have Left The Beach, Finally; Channel 57 Sundown has Faded from Mustard to Umber and It’s About Fucking Time.
3. That Blithe Four Inches of Exposed Ankle Flesh Between Your Rolled-Up Pants and Your Sockless Shoes — Shame on you, Filthy Vixen.
2. Ello — So, Zuckerberg lives in your underpants. Want to know another social media platform that doesn’t track your interests and sell your personal information to advertisers? Ham radio.
1. Infant Swimming — Go ahead, if you don’t mind a future where the polar icecaps are colonized by Merbabies.