“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
7. Keep Momming — Kid staring out the window, bored with schoolwork? Shire, Inc.—a global innovator in specialty biopharmaceuticals—suggests that you KeepMomming. Because if you were really an engaged parent you’d give your kids modified psychostimulants derived from amphetamines.
6. Your World Vasectomy Day Party — Thank you for the invitation, but I must decline. I prefer a quiet celebration, at home, with my vials of frozen sperm.
5. Mitch McConnell
4. Midterm Elections — Quick. Get all the surgery you can before the Republicans dismantle Obamacare. No current health issues? Just extrapolate from family history. Grandpa suffered gout? Have your legs amputated.
3. Unexpectedly Talented Singing and Dancing Children — A repellent side effect of child labor laws that no one wants to talk about.
2. Things That are a Thing Now — There’s this thing, where a thing becomes a thing.
1. Space Flight — You spend six months in a cabin the size of an outhouse with Uri—who smells of boiled cabbages and earwax—while gamma rays streak through your skull, nuking your brain like a frozen chimichanga, your bones decalcinating until they’re brittle as twigs, and every three or four days you take a sponge bath in filtered urine.