“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
7. Congressman Suggests Surrounding the White House with a Moat — If you’re going to have a moat, you might as well have archery towers, and if you’re going to have archery towers, you might as well have gargoyles that spit boiling oil, and if you’re going to have gargoyles that spit boiling oil . . .
6. Uber — Hey, want to kidnap some tourists? I’ve got just the app for you.
5. Flesh-shredding Airbags Recall — I didn’t suffer third-degree burns on my palms from my EasyBake oven, have my skull transfixed by lawn darts, get scalded in a tankless water heater explosion, choke on chunks of a Hello Kitty whistle at McDonald’s, break my spine when my folding chair collapsed underneath me, or cut my fingers off with garden loppers only to have you start babying me now.
4. The Continuing Fascination with Charles Manson — mutter mutter mutter the Beatles mutter mutter mutter kaleidoscope mutter mutter mutter you guys want to hear this song I wrote? mutter mutter mutter take some acid mutter mutter mutter have sex mutter mutter mutter mutter groovy colors synesthesia mutter mutter pigs piggy pig pork race war I hate actresses and hairdressers mutter mutter mutter here’s a steak-knife mutter mutter mutter
3. Jell-O Pudding Pops — I feel so sleepy after eating them.
2. Hitler’s Watercolors — Hey, remember that guy who slaughtered your family? He’s got an opening at Gallery 437, wanna go? We could grab some lunch, check out Pol Pot’s Ornamental Embroidery, a Retrospective, and then round out the afternoon with Hussein: For the Love of Quilting.
1. Comets — They’ll only break your heart.