“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
7. The Hypothetical Psychology of Cats — While it is possible that Mittens and Smokey feel the same love for you that you feel for them, it is also possible that they feel nothing at all, or a simmering contempt, or a vague sense of mackerel.
6. Being Sufficiently Enraged about Furries to want to Bomb Them with Chlorine Gas — All that Fox News speechifying about if-we-allow-gay-marriage-what’s-next-man/beast-unions got you thinking about how the eroticization of anthropomorphic wolves, foxes, and cats is not only a violation of natural law, but also an offense to God? Sure, we’ve all masturbated with stuffed animals, but it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Unspecified Canine Fursona.
5. Bravely Exposing Your Loose Skin — A young man inspired the world this week by revealing that he has a lot of loose skin, prompting a long-overdue groundswell of loose-skin-acceptance. And we applaud him.
Brave? No doubt. But try that in 1880.
4. Oversouling to End Ebola — Band Aid 30 Do they Know It’s Christmas (Ebola Edition). The overstated glissandos, the throaty ululations, the teary heaven-gazing, the mic-munching, the Joe Cocker spasms, the heart-kneading, firmament-embracing, mawkish orgy of self-glorification. Couldn’t you just cut them a check?
3. Life Hacks — A rubber band may keep your door from latching behind you, a dryer-sheet taped over an air-conditioning vent may keep your kitchen from smelling like fish, an application of beeswax may waterproof your canvas shoes, a toilet roll may serve as an impromptu iPhone speaker, a handful of Doritos may double as kindling, a wooden spoon placed across a pot may keep it from boiling over, colored bread clips may help you organize your power cords, a walnut rubbed on wood furniture may help hide dings . . . but there is no hack for life, beautiful butterfly.
2. Prince William and Kate Middleton Move Around, Point at Things, Nod.
1. The Failed War on Christmas —We pressured the corporations to keep their employees from wishing us Merry Christmas, and to exclude the phrase from advertising and displays. We barred religious floats from parades, rechristened the Douglas Fir a Holiday Tree, and banned Christian symbols from schools. We razed the nativity scenes in the public squares and had the carolers arrested. We tore down the mistletoe, threw the stockings on the fire, and flushed the eggnog down the toilet. We torched the wrapping paper and unraveled the bows; we extinguished the candles and melted the tinsel; we banished the elves and euthanized the reindeer. But when you’re beat, you’re beat.
We need to find a new way to make the children cry.