Seven Things We Don’t Care About This Week — YOUR NAME HERE EDITION

“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”

 

Michael Holley's Home Computer 1978

 

7. The Golden Globes (the Oscars, the Emmys, etc.) — The price of one of those little statuettes could feed an entire village for a year. And you don’t need any more praise.

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I am so happy for Billy Bob! What a welcome surprise.

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Amy Poehler and Tina Fey’s scathing takedown of Bill Cosby was most impressive. I cannot wait to read the six Salon opinion pieces dissecting its cultural impact.

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Reese Witherspoon only wore 1.5 million dollars’ worth of diamonds. Very restrained. I hope someday to smuggle one out of the quarry in my anus.

6. Killing People for Using Pens — The all-powerful sky-man wouldn’t have invented free speech if he didn’t want people killed for speaking it.

5. Saudi Blogger-Flogging — Speaking of free speech, how can we support the right in France, but fail to condemn its suppression by our Middle Eastern allies?

Oh right . . .

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$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ ! ! !

4. The Mildly Inconvenienced — You had to sit on the runway for a few hours waiting out a storm before you could fly in your $20,000 stateroom from Dubai to San Francisco? Harsh.

3. Twin Peaks Reboot

Laura Palmer (talking backwards) — I’m dead still.

The Man from Another Place (speaking normally, but filtered through reverse-gate) — Arms bent back still.

Special Agent Dale Cooper (overly enthusiastic) — Damn fine coffee still.

 

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2. Bae Supplants Boo as Endearment of the Moment — Not simply the lowing opprobrium of disgruntled audience members, the phrase trick-or-treaters use to frighten the thin-skinned, or the name of a pick-a-nick-basket-thievin’ bear cub, Boo was what you once called your Bae.

1. Guys who Just Don’t Get Science Getting Tapped to Head Government Science Programs — Ted Cruz, who tried to cut funding for NASA last year, was just appointed by the Republican Majority to chair the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness! He’ll oversee NASA! First up on the agenda: send a manned rocket ship to heaven and ask Jesus what to do about all the gays.

About Don and Jenny Armbruster

Don and Jenny Armbruster met in the Peace Corps in Switzerland in 1992. After two years of digging wells in Basel, they moved to the Upper East Side, where Don opened the world-renown Armbruster Gallery. Jenny has posed for some of the top avant garde painters and theoretical sculptors working today. They collect rare Merlot, raise championship beagles, and remain huge supporters of the arts. They are presently working together on a cookbook called "Eating Like Van Gogh: Fine Cuisine for Starry Nights."
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