“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
7. Anti-Vaxxers — We all know we can’t trust doctors and pharmaceutical companies. But do you really think they have the time to put autism-inducing compounds in vaccines along with everything else they have to do? Bugging your phone, altering the flavor of your food, replacing your hands while you sleep, setting up gravity machines in the cellar, implanting microchip transmitters in your occipital lobe, filling the walls with telepathic cockroaches, swapping out family members with clones from another planet, sending little people with syringes to inject you with alien DNA — I mean really.
6. Adorable Kitten sees Snowfall for the First Time — Look, I’ve got shit to do. I can’t just sit on my ass looking at fucking kittens all day.
5. Tess Munster — The plus-sized internet sensation just signed a lucrative modeling contract with London-based MiLK Model Management, taking center stage in the ongoing debate about the idealization of the female body in advertising. Whether you view her recent success as a victory for women who don’t fit the fashion industry’s constricting and sexist standards of beauty, or a tacit endorsement of unhealthy lifestyles in the guise of stereotype-bashing, or if you think the whole thing is a cynical attempt by MiLK to cash in on a popular debate, one thing Americans can all agree on: Nobody’s going to tell me what I can and can’t eat. And Tess Munster looks delicious.
You will need:
1 c. finely chopped onions
1/2 c. melted butter
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. freshly ground pepper
1 tsp. dried sage leaves
2 c. soft bread crumbs
1 can whole chestnuts, drained
1/2 c. Madeira or sherry (optional)
1/4 c. chopped parsley
1 Tess Munster
Salt, pepper, nutmeg
3 tbsp. flour
1 1/2 c. heavy cream
Complete recipe here.
4. Tuna Parasites — In a campaign not unlike the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotion, Liverpool-based food and beverage distributor Princes Group has included tongue-eating parasites in select cans of tuna. Nottingham resident Zoe Butler was crowned the latest winner after discovering an immature Cymothoa exigua in a can of chunked albacore.
After the hazmat teams left, the bewildered homemaker reportedly asked, “Do I get to tour the factory now or something?”
3. Public Transportation — I’ll just take my chances jumping off the roof with this handful of helium balloons.
2. Constantly Seeking Guidance from Rodents — When was the last time you hooked up with a cute co-worker without first consulting an East African Mole Rat? Or adopted the Paleo diet without first discussing it with a Black-banded Squirrel? Or resolved to switch careers without first asking advice from a White-tailed Mountain Vole? Or decided to join CrossFit without first conferring with a Nicaraguan Pocket Gopher?
1. Harper Lee Enthusiastic about Pending Release of Formerly Rejected Manuscript — In related news, Hugh Hefner believes his nursemaid is a Belgian Hare, Queen Elizabeth hopes to reclaim the Aquitaine for Great Britain, and Kirk Douglas declares that breakfast is “itchy.”