“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”
7. Solar Eclipses — So the light gets a little dim? Thousands swarm scenic overlooks mummified in silk headscarves? In Jackie O sunglasses? Oohing and ahhing into homemade periscopes made from milk-cartons and mirrors? The light goes out in our refrigerator every day. I’ve asked Don a hundred times to have the super take a look at it, but he just grunts and goes on ogling those damned Beardsley lithographs.
6. I find this an unfair characterization. ~ Don
5. The Jinx — Imagine the number of Emmys our six-part Pol Pot documentary might have gotten if we’d kept our mouths shut about The Killing Fields long enough to get all the footage cut together, then made the big reveal two years later, during the airing of the final episode?
4. Missouri Executes a Man Missing Part of His Brain — Capital Punishment: It’s not just for the mentally-challenged anymore.
3. Former Members of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young Begin their Murderous Rampages — as prophesied long ago in that two cats in the yard song:
“I’ll light the fire, while you run over joggers in a car that you bought today-ay-ay . . .”
2. Emperor of Duck Dynasty makes anti-Atheist Rape/Castration Speech — What did you expect from a man who made a fortune appealing to the dumbest animals on the planet?
1. Steamy Dwarf Planets — It sure gets lonely out there in space, don’t it? And cold. I know how bad it can be. We all need a little warmth sometimes. You know, I’ve seen you around, orbiting the neighborhood in the dark, weaving in and out of meteorites, trying to seem aloof, as if your heart was frozen beneath some subsurface ocean. I know we’ve only just met, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I vent plumes of vapor from my polar regions.