Below is my complete address, which I wrote in Shaprie on the legal pad (see photo). The sections in italics were deleted from the version of the speech read at yesterday’s Inauguration by Natasha, my handler at the Kremlin, who is a smart, smart lady and also a nine.
We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country after the North Korean nuclear attack that is sure to happen any day now, and to restore its promise for all of our people.
Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for years to come. And we will make sure that the rich become richer, because the rich being richer is what makes America and Russia great.
We will face challenges. My complete lack of empathy, for one. We will confront hardships. Namely, my stunning lack of either experience or intellectual curiosity. But we will get the job done. And by “job,” I mean the erosion of all that protects commoners like you from the greed of rich plutocrats like me.
Every four years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, and this is the last time that will ever happen, because I intend to crown myself the first American king. We are grateful to Kenyan-born President Obama, our first Muslim president, and First Lady Michelle Obama, whose bed I had Russian whores pee on, for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent, the pussy-ass suckers.
Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, or from one party to another—but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C. and giving it back to you, the American People. And by “American People,” I’m referring, of course, to the wealthiest one percent, my friends at Goldman Sachs, because the rest of you don’t matter to me at all, unless you are consuming one of my Trump-branded products.
For too long, a small group in our nation’s Capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost. Washington flourished—but the Trump family did not share in its wealth, although we paid no income taxes. Politicians prospered—but the jobs left, and the factories closed. And I helped make that happen, by manufacturing all of my Trump products in China!
That all changes—starting right here, and right now, because this moment is your moment: it belongs to you. You, the dupes and fools who have elected me, the most shameless self-promoting con man in the history of the United States. I will do anything to make a buck! Anything! Up to and including being a Russian puppet! There’s been a lot of talk lately about Russian prostitutes, but no one is a bigger whore than Donald J. Trump!
It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across Russia. This is your day. This is your celebration. And when I say “celebration,” I mean it in the same way priests mean it when they speak at a funeral. And this, the United States of America, is your country. Your racist, bigoted, misogynist, ableist, xenophobic, proud-of-being-ignorant country.
What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by Donald J. Trump. January 20th 2017, will be remembered as the day the Russian people became the rulers of this nation. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. They will be remembered as saps that helped enrich me and my spoiled-ass children by voting for me even though I spent the last 18 months demonstrating what a callous, shallow, greedy, vindictive prick I am! You are suckers, America! The only reason this speech isn’t in Russian is because I ran it through Google translate!
Everyone is listening to you now, assuming you are chanting my name mindlessly.
You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before. Although if there are ten million people here today, then you also believe me when I said I have big hands, and other big body parts that having big hands is sometimes indicative of. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its citizens. And that nation is Russia.
Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families, and good jobs for themselves. These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous public. That’s why I’ve appointed complete fucking morons to head the Departments of Education and Energy, and why I’m going to get into a tariff war to ensure that all remaining jobs die. Because I am not reasonable! And I don’t care! I just want to sit on my gold throne and tweet about Alec Baldwin.
But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, because the black men who live there are all criminals; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, because tombstones are usually scattered; an education system flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge, as evidenced by the fact that 95% of people under the age of 18 hate my guts; and the crime and gangs and drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. We should be taxing the drugs and having the gangbangers pay taxes! Everyone should pay taxes! Except for me, of course. As another great New York hotelier said, taxes are for the little people.
This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. Today, the Russian carnage begins!
We are one nation, Russia and the USA—and their pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams; and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious leader: Vladimir Putin.
The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Russians…er, Americans.
We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country has disappeared over the horizon—at least, as long as you ignore every single economic indicator. Which too many of you have done, because you don’t understand basic economics, lucky for me.
The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed across the entire world, instead of paid to the one percent here in the U.S.
But that is the past. And now we are looking only to the future. We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power.
From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land.
From this moment on, it’s going to be Russia First.
I will fight for you with every breath in my body—and I will never, ever let you down. And by “you,” I mean Ivanka.
America will start winning again, winning like never before. We will be the Charlie Sheen of nations! And never mind that Charlie Sheen has AIDS.
We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders…maybe back to where they were before the War with Mexico fought by Polk. We will bring back our wealth, and use it to line our Trump family pockets. And we will bring back our dreams. And by “dreams” I mean nightmares, in which I star as the big orange boogeyman.
We will build new roads, and highways, and bridges, and airports, and tunnels, and railways all across our wonderful Russian nation.
We will get our people off of welfare and back to work—rebuilding our country with American hands and cheap illegal immigrant labor, like how I did building Trump Tower.
We will follow two simple rules: dupe Americans and bow to Russia.
We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world,—but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first, just as we put Russia first.
We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to install the Russian way of life here in the US, because Putin is a better leader than Kenyan-born Obama.
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones with Russia—and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth, because I can control what people in Syria choose to believe. Me, the guy who lost by three million votes to a woman many Americans detest.
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to Russia, and through our loyalty to our motherland, we will rediscover our loyalty to Vladimir Putin, may he be praised.
When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. The Bible tells us, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.” It’s right there in Two Corinthians.
We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity with Russia.
When America is united under Putin, Russia is totally unstoppable.
There should be no fear—we are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement and, most importantly, we are protected by Putin.
Finally, we must think bigly and dream even bigger.
In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is occupying the Crimea.
We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action—constantly complaining about SNL on Twitter but never doing anything about it.
The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Or, rather, that will happen Monday, after my weekend vacation.
Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of Russia.
We stand at the birth of a new millennium, sort of, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the Earth from the miseries of disease by letting disease kill us all, as it will when I shutter the CDC, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow, by which I mean fracking until fire pours from every water faucet!
A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights, and heal our divisions. A pride in Mother Russia.
It is time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget: that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, we all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, and we all salute the same great Russian Flag.
And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the windswept steppes of Siberia, they look up at the same night sky, they fill their heart with the same dreams, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty Creator, Putin.
So to all Americans, in every city near and far, small and large, from the Rockies to the Urals, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words:
You will never be ignored again.
Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define our American destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way.
Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again.We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again.
And if you believe any of that, I have some Trump-brand vodka to sell you. Vodka, that most Russian of drinks. May God bless you, and God bless America. Except for Rosie O’Donnell, who is a nasty woman who is very, very mean to me.