GOT SEVENTEEN EXCUSES for losing, but being a mendacious, flip-flopping, misogynistic, morally-bankrupt super-millionaire who made a fortune outsourcing American jobs, isn’t one of them.
What happened to the Mittmentum? It’s Mitt-diculous! Did Hurricane Sandy blow Benghazi out of the water? Was it the economy? Was it a case of Bin Laden-is-dead-and-Chevy-is-alive? Was it Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Who Doesn’t Want the Government in her Vagina?
Here are just a few of the excuses why, according to the GOP, Lord Mittens will not be the next president of the United States:
1. Someone forgot to block off the wheelchair ramps in Ohio.
2. It’s not Mitt Romney’s fault that racism just isn’t as fashionable as it used to be. What’s next? Petticoats? Butter churns? Blood-letting?
3. No one could have anticipated that single mothers (the ones whose children Mitt blames for all the gun violence in this country) owned shoes with such good arch support they could wait in line for nine hours to vote.
4. The public insisted on thinking of the trans-vaginal probe as the 10-inch shaming wand instead of the Romney-and-Ryan-approved euphemism, God’s pointer finger.
5. The elimination of the swimsuit portion of the debates! Paul Ryan in a silver banana hammock versus Joe Biden in a pair of old Birdwells? Ryan was a lock!
6. America’s failure to cotton to the GOP vice presidential candidate due to naked pictures of “Randy Ryan” pretending to make sweet sweet love to Ayn Rand’s corpse.
7. Mitt Romney’s Axis of Evil: Children, Minorities and Muppets.
8. Romney’s refusal to appear on Nickelodeon’s long-running “Kids Pick the President” special; his demand to see Latina cartoon superstar Dora the Explorer’s papers — and the subsequent illegal search of her backpack on suspicion of possession–were blown way out of proportion. Como se dice self-deportation en Español?
9. Romney’s threat to “end” the PBS family, “fire” Big Bird (the don of Sesame Street) and turn out one-time Log Cabin Republicans and domestic partners Bert and Ernie was read as disrespect, when it was just a Mitts-understanding. (He’s lucky he’s still got legs.)
10. The unladylike behavior and sack-shrinking smarts of female debate commentators Candy Crawley and Martha Raddatz. On the spot fact checking! Insisting on the truth! Didn’t they watch Jim Lehrer? Who gave women the vote?
11. The discovery of Karl “Poppin Fresh” Rove, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter’s “Be Nice to the Retard” sex tape.
12. Canon. Or whichever company made the sweet little camcorder that filmed the fundraiser where Lord Mittens made his 47% speech.
13. The feline stars of YouTube. Henri the Existential Cat, Maru the Magnificent, and Tard née Grumpy Cat repeatedly drew attention away from the Romney campaign.
14. The moon. Thanks to some freak astronomical whammy, the menstrual cycles of all the young unmarried women in America synched, and the rush of hormones caused them to vote overwhelmingly for Barack Obama.
15. The Romney/Ryan “Rape is one more means of conception” and “Honk if you’re a Rape Baby!” bumper stickers were even creepier than “Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.”
16. The fact that Romney’s religion strictly forbids caffeine, alcohol and cigarettes, spurred rumors that he’s hooked on endangered Panda jerky and gets goofy snorting torn up food stamps. Oh, and that “special underwear” is Mormon for diaper.
17. The expectation that after pandering to Latino voters by appearing in brown-face for an interview on Univison, that Romney wouldn’t appeal to the League of Women Voters by appearing in full drag (or even show a little cleavage) was a disappointment. Although he did rock some Mom jeans.