Introducing a New Line of “Battle for Reproductive Freedom” Barbie Dolls

 

IN THE SPIRIT of the “Wendy Davis Abortion Barbie,” we present a full line of Barbie and Ken dolls for all your kids to play with: The War on Women: The Battle for Reproductive Freedom. Please note that all Barbie dolls have vaginas and Ken dolls have small penises.

 

Unwanted Pregnancy Skipper

Unwanted Pregnancy Skipper is Barbie’s perky, Girl-Next-Door teenage sister. Skipper is able to hold and swing a tennis racket, flip burgers, and use a cellphone.

Special Feature: Turn Unwanted Pregnancy Skipper’s arm and her “womb” expands to simulate the trimester-by-trimester development of the fetus growing inside her. Turn her arm in the other direction and the bump disappears.

Comes with: Fifty-buckets and a bus ticket to Mexico, a coat hanger, a sturdy rope.

Can say: “I was raped,”  “I am only fifteen,”  “I wish I were dead.”

Storyline: Unwanted Pregnancy Skipper is pregnant because radical GOP lawmakers in her state closed down all the Planned Parenthoods and she was unable to obtain birth control. Unwanted Pregnancy Skipper got drunk at a party and had unprotected sex. Or, Skipper was raped by her Uncle Ken while babysitting her little brother. How Skipper got pregnant doesn’t matter at all.  What matters is Skipper got pregnant. Because Skipper lives in a state with restrictive abortion laws, and a two-day waiting period, Skipper can’t get an abortion. Skipper can’t tell her parents because they would call her a slut and throw her out of the house. Or, because She was raped by her uncle Ken. Or, it would break their hearts.

 

Anti-Abortion Gynecologist Ken

Anti-Abortion Gynecologist Ken is white haired and appears to have very poor eyesight. His right hand can grip an inch-long trans-vaginal probe, a light-up “shaming wand.” The index finger on his left hand is specially designed for wagging in the face of the poor pregnant Barbie.

Comes with: sonogram machine and examining table with real working stirrups. Kleenex not included.

Can say: “Abortion will make you sterile,” “Open your eyes,” and,  “It can hear you crying.”

Storyline: Anti-Abortion Gynecologist Ken became a Born Again Christian after it was discovered he was addicted to Oxycontin and had been having anonymous sex with men he met in parking lots behind Piggly Wiggly supermarkets all over Texas. (Anti-Abortion Gynecologist Ken is married to Gay-Hating Hazel, an anti-gay crusader on a mission to convert homosexuals into heterosexuals.)

Added Bonus: If you want to play “Lethal Injection,” this doll can also double as Death Penalty Ken. Remove the shaft of the shaming wand and it converts into a lethal injection hypodermic, flip the stirrups and they become leg restraints, turn the sonogram machine around and it’s a gravestone. RIP Boredom!

 

Radical GOP Lawmaker Ken

Radical GOP Lawmaker Ken comes in two styles: Rick and Billy Bob. Rick is fit and dark-haired, Rick has dead eyes and a flashy insincere smile. Billy Bob is older and jowly. Billy Bob has deceptively pleasant features, a fatherly smile, and best of all a comb over you can really comb (or sort of)

Comes with: a sharp blue suit, red striped tie, and a Bible with a secret hiding place for nudie pictures of Ann Coulter, copies of The Fountainhead, and pork rinds.

Can say:  “No abortion ever, no exceptions,”  “Fetuses first, women last,”  and, “Where are my smokes?”

Special Feature: All Rick and Billy Bobs’ heads can turn 360 degrees, and are detachable so you can stick them up their asses. Elite models can make rape jokes.

Storyline: Some Radical GOP Lawmaker Kens were pro-choice until their party became radicalized by the right wing and they found it politically advantageous to change their position. The majority of these Kens have never considered why Barbie might want an abortion. Should, god forbid, one of their own virginal princesses get knocked up many Radical GOP Lawmaker Kens would secretly support her getting an abortion so to avoid ruining her life and the family’s good name.

 

Radical Anti-Abortion GOP Lawmaker Barbie

Radical Anti-Abortion GOP Lawmaker Barbie comes in two styles: Jan and Michele. Both dolls are shorter and thicker than Barbie, are heavily made up and coiffed. Jan is older, with deep drawbridge lines around her mouth and a blondish gray bob. Her expression conveys self-righteous judgment. Michele is younger with long dark hair, and wide eyes that, with the touch of a button, pinwheel. When her eyes aren’t spinning in her head, her expression is smug and condescending.

Comes with: a wrinkle-free blue pantsuit and pearls, a “Sunday best” dress and diamond crucifix, and a Vible with a secret hiding place for the GOP-approved birth control (an aspirin to hold between their knees), a picture of Wendy Davis with her eyes poked out, and Rick Perry’s phone number.

Can say: “You should have thought about that before you opened your knees,” “You’ll learn to love the Patriarchy,”  “Wendy Davis is a two-bit whore.”

Special Feature:  All Jan and Michele dolls heads are detachable and hollow to accommodate “brainwashing”.

Storyline: Some Radical GOP Lawmaker Barbies were pro-choice until their party became radicalized by the right wing and they found it politically advantageous to change their position. Despite their gender these Barbies continue to lobby for legislation that robs women of their basic human rights.

NOTE: All Radical Anti-Abortion GOP Lawmakers come with a large pair of scissors. The GOP’s interest in the lives of the unborn ends at the moment the mother gives birth. The scissors sever all connections between the party of “Family Values” and needy families. Use the scissors to cut big holes in the safety net, and slash social services.

Added Bonus: If you want to play “War for Oil” and don’t own a GI Joe, use the scissors to cut Expendable Ken’s hair on Enlistment day. Expendable Ken, aka “Cannon Fodder Ken” is a younger, less educated and employable version of regular white-privileged Ken. Expendable Ken comes in a variety of colors including: Poor White, Mexican and Black.

Storyline: Expendable Ken is the father of a baby that had there been easy access to birth control, and safe and legal access to abortion, would not exist. Expendable Ken never wanted to have a baby; he resents being trapped and having to pay to support the mother of his child. He would have liked to join the Police Academy.

 

Evangelical Protester Barbie and Ken

Protestors are the foot soldiers in the War Against Reproductive Rights for Women.

Any of your Barbie and Ken dolls can be protestors, but Evangelical Christian Protestors come with special features. Their arms can be linked to form a human chain to prevent women seeking health care from entering Planned Parenthood. Similar. Their eyes are more protuberant and their mouths are open. When squeezed hard, Evangelical Christians will “spit” at pro-choice protestors, squeezed gently and they will “cry”.  Unlike other dolls Evangelical Christian all look unnervingly similar, as though they might be part of one big family.

Comes with: bullhorn, placard featuring a grotesque image of a mutilated fetus, a bloody cross and duct tape.

Additional items include: Rosaries, padlock and chain for locking Ken’s head to the door of an abortion clinic, a handgun for shooting at abortion-providing doctors.

Can scream: “Baby Killer!” “Burn in Hell!”  “God hates you!” “Lesbian!”

Can be programmed to continuously chant Bible verse even while spitting and weeping.

Note: A disproportionate number of Evangelical Christian protestors are male so consider this when shopping.

Storyline: We cannot pretend to know what goes on in these people’s heads. We know that they lack empathy, and if they have really read the Bible know that they are hateful hypocrites. The majority of them would be well served by getting a hobby.

 

Casualty in the War Against Choice Barbie

Casualty in the War Against Choice Barbie has died as a direct result of not being able to get a safe, affordable and legal abortion. Dead Barbie comes in two styles: Dead From a Botched Abortion Barbie and Dead From Suicide Barbie.

Dead from a Botched Abortion Barbie is curled in the fetal position, her face contorted in pain. Dead From a Botched Abortion Barbie comes in all races, and three ages—13-21, 21-30 and 30 and up.

Special feature: Dead From a Botched Abortion Barbie or “Betty” contains a “uterine” cavity that when filled with the red “blood” mixture will leak from Barbie’s vagina for hours simulating her bleeding to death. If Barbie died from attempting to douche with household cleaning agents, add baking soda to the “blood” mixture.

Dead From Suicide Barbie or Sue looks just like Dead From a Botched Abortion Barbie Betty but does not “hemorrhage” from her vagina.

Note: You don’t necessarily need to purchase the Suicide Barbie. I’d almost rather you spend your money on a copy of Our Bodies Ourselves or a Bikini Kill CD. I’m sure you’ve already made Barbie commit suicide multiple times before, am I right?

If your Barbie reacted to not being able to get a safe legal abortion by taking her own life say by hanging, slitting her wrists, over-dosing, crashing her car, throwing herself in front of a train, drinking rat poison, drowning, jumping from the top of a tall building, shooting herself in the head, or if she was killed, say choked or beaten to death by a family member, lover, or the person who impregnated her, you can turn your Barbie into suicide Barbie with the aid of some sharpies, pins, lye, pliers.

Now you’re set!

All models now available at Hobby Lobby.

babries

About Elissa Schappell

Elissa Schappell is the author of the short story collections Blueprints for Building Better Girls and Use Me. A former senior editor of The Paris Review, she is the co-founder and editor-at-large of Tin House magazine. She lives in Brooklyn with her family.
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2 Responses to Introducing a New Line of “Battle for Reproductive Freedom” Barbie Dolls

  1. Richard Klin says:

    I think it’s time to drop the “radical-GOP” condemnations, which completely lets the Democrats off the hook. The war on women–on poor women–is a complete bipartisan effort. Bill Clinton’s cuts on social programs and the way he castigated “welfare mothers” was worth of any right-wing loon.

  2. Richard Klin says:

    …WORTHY of any right-wing loon, I meant to say.

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