I JUST GOT BACK from a trip to Europe. Yeah, I know. But no jokes! The wife made me go. Fortunately, we used alternate identities so none of those war crimes jokers were any the wiser. That aside, not even my beloved Martha could compensate for the barbarism and plain wrong-headedness I found on the other side of the Atlantic. Lucky for the rest of you, The Weeklings were kind enough to offer me a forum to share my thoughts.
Seven things Europeans need to quit caring about pronto:
- History: Your stuff is old. We get it. But maybe you should pay a little more attention to safety and cleanliness. Is it really worth leaving decrepit gargoyles perched on the top of your cathedrals waiting to drop like…massive, man-made boulder-turds? The narrow, windy staircases? The low ceilings? The uneven pavement? If I didn’t know better I’d think your ancestors were all dwarfish donkey-snakes.
- Art: There’s a reason why America invented cameras. It’s because art lies and lying is something you’ll never sell us on. As my former arm’s-length quasi-boss, President George W. Bush once said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Well, you just can’t get fooled again.” Take pictures, don’t paint them, Europe. Full disclosure: I own five million shares of Best Buy.
- Vladimir Putin: Quit worrying about President Pootie Poot. He’s a good man deep down. And if it turns out he’s not, we’ll come over there and save your asses like we always do. Better to spend your time or whatever the metric equivalent is figuring out how to put ice in my drink.
- Cheese: You spend so much time fretting over whether this Gruyere pairs well with that Cabernet, this Muenster with that Riesling. Give it a rest, Europe. Do you know how much money you could save if you’d do what we do and put Kraft AMERICAN cheesefood in, on, and/or around everything? Neither do I. But based on the price of Chateau Philippe de Oeuf Boeuf in Paris, I’ll bet it’s a lot.
- Potatoes: Little known fact: European potatoes are filled with some mysterious poison that can only be eradicated by frying. As a result, they are rarely found in their natural (or even semi-natural) state. Par-boiled, scooped with a melon baller and fried. Shredded, formed into patties, and fried. Shredded more finely, formed into smaller patties, and fried. Turned into mashed potatoes (Is there hope?), stuffed into a piping bag, squirted and fried (Apparently not.).
- The Euro: OK, the bills are colorful, and the two-tone coins are a nice touch. But how long do you expect everyone to use the same made up money before they’re at each other’s throats. Never mind the fact that you haven’t gotten the British to go along. Or the Swiss really? How can you use two types of money in one country? It’s crazy. Worse though, how can you trust a country that uses two types of money? Try using a real currency like the U.S. dollar. At least then you won’t seem so…socialist.
- Barack Obama: Sure he’s young. Of course he can sing. Yes, his wife’s pretty. OK, the kids are cute, too. But enough with this Obama worship. Apparently you guys aren’t privy to the real American news. You know, how the people who actually elected Obama feel about him. And let me tell you something: It’s not good. If we could just squeeze in one more mid-term before ’16 we’d probably impeach the Kenyan.