NRA Board Member Regrets

 

DAVE BUTZ: playing it safe

 

MATT BLUNT: too many long hours at the office

 

KEN BLACKWELL: his bad habit of giving the impression that he’s listening

 

BLAINE WADE: not setting aside more quality Blaine Time

 

SUSAN HOWARD: the day she asked questions first

 

SANDRA FROMAN: that the potential grizzly bear threat never even occurred to her

 

TOM KING: missing the chance to use his Storm the White House! rally sign

 

DWIGHT VAN HORN: his confusion about whether or not the 2nd Amendment people still need to stop the judge appointments

 

JAMES PORTER II: never fully appreciating the panic sales

 

KARL MALONE: the celebrity endorsements

 

CRAIG MORGAN: that country music isn’t about the lobbyin’ anymore

 

BART SKELTON: the low ratings on his Old West fantasy simulation

 

ESTHER SCHNEIDER: that in today’s society we engage in unhealthy social media arguments over politics instead of settling our differences face-to-face while holding automatic firearms

 

REP. DAN BOREN: the ceaseless howling wind that imparts to him a single message: Leave this place

 

SEN. LARRY CRAIG: the dry firing

 

TOM SELLECK: the inappropriate jokes Senator Craig always whispers into his ear that have something to do with case lube

 

RICHARD CHILDRESS: realizing too late that he prefers the silencers when they’re illicit

 

PETE BROWNELL: that liberal elites can’t understand the struggles of average heartland Americans like him whose corporation functions with others in a multi-pronged structure as a tax-exempt lobbying firm, a campaign operative and a pro-bono legal team

 

ALLEN WEST: his lack of inclusion when sharing online ideas about which citizens he’d like to exterminate

 

RONNIE BARRETT: all the zones left dismally gun-free

 

SCOTT BACH: all the grieving family members he never had the chance to comfort with the suggestion that the mass shooting was fake

 

MARION HAMMER: that our post-apocalyptic wasteland doesn’t look as tremendous as it did in her dreams

 

REP. BOB BARR: the antichrist tyrants he never realized he loved

 

ALLAN CORS: sinking more money than any other outside group into the GOP presidential campaign and still the white supremacists get all the glory

 

GROVER NORQUIST: the split second when he wondered what might happen if emboldened paramilitary groups were hitched together with the unchecked power of the federal executive branch

 

JOE ALLBAUGH: the new ambiguity of armed resistance to the government

 

CAROL BAMBERY: the creeping urge to create a rogue Twitter account

 

REP. DON YOUNG: that they can come for his freedom to speak, protest, create, investigate, express or assemble as long as they can just leave him alone in his house with a loaded weapon

 

TED NUGENT: overlooked as last year’s experience candidate

 

JOHN BOLTON: overlooked as the new face on $20

 

OLIVER NORTH: never telling much larger, more obvious lies

 

CHRIS COX: encouraging all that patriotism

 

WAYNE LAPIERRE: the day he accepted the invitation to speak for the group

blue gun

 

About Nathaniel Missildine

Nathaniel Missildine lives in Dijon, France with his wife and two daughters. His travel memoir, Save for Fireflies, chronicles his family road trip across the U.S. as a kind of native tourist. For more, visit nathanielmissildine.com.
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