In which we give our own awards to the awards.
Lamest Host: Seth MacFarlane
We still have no idea who this guy is, or why he was selected to host a show watched by over a billion people. Did he win a Twitter contest or something? Next year, let’s get Jenna Marbles.
Most Egregious Body Change: Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson, once proudly curvaceous, looks like a retoucher from Maxim Photoshopped half her body away. Ladies of Hollywood, we implore you, eat something! Once those curves go, they never return.
Most Historical Moment: Host Gets Award
Anne Hathaway became the first host of the Oscars to subsequently receive an Oscar. (Note: we’re 99.9% sure this is true, but too lazy to fact-check).
Salient Quote #1
On Facebook, the great Bruce DeSilva writes: “Regarding the criticism that Argo, Zero Dark Thirty, and Lincoln have received for not being completely historically accurate: While many films are based on real events, it strikes me as lunacy for anyone to expect, or even want, them to be completely accurate as history. If they were, they’d be too complicated—and boring—to watch. Telling a complicated story based on real events in two hours or so always requires leaving things out, inventing scenes, creating composite characters, and so on. Movies should be accepted, enjoyed, and criticized on their own terms and not for something they were never intended to be. And anyone who watches a movie and thinks it’s history is either simpleminded or delusional.” Well argued, Bruce, but we cannot forgive the historical inaccuracy of Jean Valjean and company singing in English. Ce n’est pas bien!
Biggest Winner: Seventysomething Women
What with Babs belting out “The Way We Were,” Jane Fonda dazzling in yellow and Shirley Bassey nailing that last note in “Goldfinger” (that’s how it’s done, Adele)—and, for that matter, the 66-year-old Sally Field sucking face with Seth MacFarlane—it’s clear that 70 is the new 40.
Most Approproate Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis
Since Day-Lewis is THE best actor, possibly ever, the Academy is morally obligated to give him the Best Actor award. When he embraced Meryl Streep, it was a case of the best actor alive and the best actress alive hugging—the sort of thing that generally has no place at the Oscars.
Best Motherfucking Winner: Quentin Tarantino
The guy invented a new type of cinema with Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, and then had to change on the fly when too many lesser lights imitated him—and he pulled it off, because he’s a fucking genius. Do you remember what Travolta was doing in 1992? QT saved him, too. And made Sam Jackson.
Most Awkward Presenter: The Avengers
We’re supposed to believe that Robert Downey, Jr., Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Evans, and Samuel L. Jackson could team up to save the world, when they couldn’t even dole out a few awards successfully? Obviously these dudes relied on Scar-Jo more than we realized.
Second Most Awkward Presenter: Halle Barry
Bound by her bizarre pinstriped dress, the erstwhile Oscar winner and Bond girl demonstrated all the ebullience of a hypnotized Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun.
Salient Quote #2
Whitney Collins: “The real winner this year is the shitty beard.” Seriously, is Clooney boycotting Gillette or something? Meanwhile Mark Ruffalo looks better with a beard – and protesting fracking.
Most Awkward Cut-Away: Every Woman Present
Did you see their faces during the juvenile “I Saw Your Boobs” number? Whoa. Stone-cold terror. Also, we realize it’s a family telecast and all, but if you’re going to have a song about actresses showing their boobs, the accompanying video should really be actresses showing their boobs, and not MacFarlane’s very punchable face. Go the full Monty, or cut the song.
Best Moment: Michelle Obama
Fresh off her “Evolution of the Mom Dance” run, the First Lady is possibly the only person alive who can upstage Jack Nicholson—who looks more and more like Daryl Van Horn as he ages. Not only was she awesome, she gave Jack the opportunity for the night’s best line: “No one’s gonna argue with that, now, are they?”
Best Speech: Ben Affleck
The evening’s last winner gave, fittingly, the best speech. As wonderful as it is to laundry-list the name of every agent, manager, attorney, and publicist you’ve ever had the privilege of working with, and as humble as it seems to acknowledge the other nominees—you know, the losers—we’re watching this thing to be inspired, and Affleck was inspiring. “It doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life, cuz that’s gonna happen. All that matters is that you gotta get back up.” So what that being knocked down, in his case, involved that career nadir in which he dated J-Lo? He’s right. Rock on, Ben Affleck.