“Not caring about things since 1971, so that you don’t have to.”
6. Shark Week – They’re sharks. It’s a week. Do we really need to see another chunk of something floating near a camera get gnawed on? Or a hospital shot where that Australian guy with tons of stitches goes “It’s death on a stick out there, mate.”
5. Women Doing Yoga at the Airport – The gate is small and packed and sweaty. Why always the stained tights? Why always the Lululemon jacket three sizes too small? Why the airport?
4. The Many Sons of Bob Marley, John Lennon, and Bob Dylan- They keep touring. You keep not wanting to go see them. The ad in the paper always makes you thrill for a second with the idea that it was all just a big mistake and dad’s still alive. He’s not. Oh, except Bob.
3. Governor Scott Walker – his face, his state, his ideas, his recall(s), his wife, his union antipathy, him being mentioned in any context nationally. If only Scott Walker were Scott Walker.
2. The 19 Late Night Talk Show Hosts You Don’t Watch Retiring, and the 19 Comedians You’ve Never Heard of Replacing Them – Wait, who’s Craig Ferguson again?
1. Carbs – cram that bagel and shut it.