SEVEN THINGS WE DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS WEEK: You and your mustache

“Not caring about things since 1971, so that you don’t have to.”

 

Rand Red

 

7. Wes Welker runs a five-yard hitch cranked on Ecstasy – So what? Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on two hits of acid. Hell, even Grandma Navy could rack up multiple concussions and be out four-to-six games every season going over the middle high.

6. Craft Cocktails – Just slosh some Jim Beam in a glass and turn up the volume already. No, we don’t want any artisinal balsamic ice with that. No, we don’t want any mallard canapes. And step out of the way, you’re blocking the fucking game.

 

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5. Unforgivably overwrought covers of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” – The Jeff Buckley was bad enough, but really with the Kate Voegele? Okay, we get it– you’re stuck somewhere in that weird grey area where spiritual meets hungover–and the only thing that’ll make the hurt go away is to repeat the same word, over the same chord, for eight stultifying minutes.

 

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4. Thanking various deities after winning MMA fights – God definitely is not interested in your rear-naked choke. Neither is Baal, Hanuman, or Isis. Actually, Isis might be into it.

3. This Turd, and the wife he blamed it all on – Yet another in a long line of tedious, moralizing hypocrites (Gov. Bob McDonnell, R-VA) undone by the inexplicable compulsion to sell off their administration to the first sleazy vitamin salesman who came grubbing around in exchange for a chance to be photographed in a Ferrari two shades whiter than they are.

 

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2. Hacked Nude Celebs – Leering over stolen private pics is more or less the same as breaking into someone’s house and taking 16mm footage of them while they sleep so you can go home and flog to the REM cycle. Creepy and bent.

1. The fact that no one cares about the Survivor guy dyingNo, Not that Survivor – Jimi Jamison just Rose Straight To The Top people. In other words, heaven. C’mon, “Eye of The Tiger” anyone? Haven’t you ever seen Rocky? God, is the world dim.

 

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About Vince Navy

Vince Navy is the original Walking Dude. After a stint in the Merchant Marine and a few tours on trumpet for Johnny Midnight and the Velveteers, he released his first chapbook Howling From The End of The End, which was followed by the iconic short story collection Abduction Songs and Cock Shadows. Navy currently lives in San Francisco with his partner Reina and their dogs Isolde and Tristan. He is hard at work on a novel about all the things Nathaniel West forgot to satirize. Follow him @VinceNavy
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