“Not caring about things since 1971, so that you don’t have to.”
7. Football – Be bigger. Run full speed into other high-schoolers, fall down. College for a year. Go pro. Get paid insane stacks before you’re twenty-three. Have creepy old men interview you in a towel, scribble down your answers. Buy a McMansion, marry a stripper, start a charity you don’t even know the name of. Knees ache. Get cut, get re-signed. Act badly at party, retire. Card shows.
6. Employees washing their hands before returning to work – Way overrated.
5. Your prescription pill memoir – Granted, slightly more interesting than your booze memoir.
4. The new Jack White – Sorta like the old Jack White: curdled vocals over half a Son House riff, and then some new distortion effect. Bitch about being ripped off by the Black Keys, which is like bitching about being ripped off by Phil Spector’s wig.
3. Netflix on Apple TV – Eighty percent of the movies in your queue aren’t available for streaming. Aside from House of Cards not arriving as four separate discs and begrudgingly watching random episodes of your wife’s doctor show, what was the point again?
2. ISIS being called ISIL or Islamic State or EIIL or Daesh – Pick a name already and stick with it, I’m still getting Bosnia and Herzegovina straight. Lynne Cheney suggests an acronym for “drone meat”.
1. What Jenny McCarthy has to say about anything, but particularly authoritatively debunked anti-vaccinationist propaganda – A peroxide Typhoid Mary whose line of ignorant pap has brought Whooping Cough back to a elementary school near you. Also, never read anything in Lancet.