“Not caring about things since 1971, so that you don’t have to.”
7. The fact that you don’t love the first Blondie album – Opinions are just like assholes–after a while you get tired of shaving them, so you just ignore the curly scruff and turn that shit louder.
6. The phrase “Life Hack” – Hey look everybody, I hacked this sandwich! If you put pickles in it, it tastes better! And I hacked these socks! If you roll them up they fit in the drawer! Wait till you see how I hacked this really bad case of crabs with a can of rusty kerosene I had down in the basement! Next week: hacking the emergency room by not having any insurance and also being totally free of rare blood poisoning!
5. Dr. Ben Carson – Already Grandma Navy’s favorite candidate. Get used to this name, and all the cynicism, hypocrisy, and ignorance that goes with it. Dr. Next Obama intends to show his worth by momentarily proving that the Republicans aren’t constitutionally white, dumb, and stuffed to the gills with cheap pizza before everyone forgets all about him after he says something really stupid about those nurses he harassed back in medical school. Trust me, by the Iowa straw poll, you’ll be pining for the days of “Aw, shucky ducky.”
4. Your Bracket – You filled it out. You were wrong. So was everyone else. Can’t wait for next year.
3. Glee – I guess it was a show where people sang and way too many years later, it’s ending. There are lots of shows where people sing. Some of them do it well. Others should probably have ended a long time ago. Wake me up when Tina Turner is on the mic.
Robert Durst – If you were ever for even one second tempted to think there is anything even remotely close to justice associated with the American legal system, all you have to do is read on up on the case of millionaire NY real estate heir Robert Durst. Who clearly killed his first wife, but had expensive lawyers able to cow a bunch of lazy cops into not poking around too much. Then he murdered his best friend, who was apparently blackmailing him. He just so happened to have flown across country the same week, had motive, and there are no other suspects. Still, millions! Zero investigation follows. The circumstantial evidence remains overwhelming despite its inability to return a 12% investment. Finally, a clearly deranged and sociopathic Durst murders and dismembers his elderly neighbor, admits to it, but gets off on “self defense.” Sure, that happened in Texas, but shouldn’t there be a secondary law about how random dismemberment carries a minimum of 2-to-4 with good behavior even if the dude had the “self-defense bullet” coming? Yes, Durst killed at least three people (probably more we haven’t heard of yet), but he’s got a hundred million dollars and his family has a billion, so, really, no surprise. The justice system in this country works just fine: over two million people presently incarcerated across America are all guilty, all got fair trials, and all have hours and hours of excellent police case-work to thank for their present circumstances. Something not kosher about your incarcertation? No sweat, dude, just stall twenty years and sooner or later an HBO documentary will make the truth shake out. In the meantime, enjoy the pruno.
1. Beats – As if there were any more proof needed that Americans are debilitated by a raw, acquisitive stupidity: hey, these crap-plastic ear goggles cost $14 a pair to manufacture, but retail for $300. Which I guess is fine if they sound awesome. They do not sound awesome. They sound like a ten spot worth of screechy tensile components and cheap solder. But on the plus side, now you’re besties with Dre. So rock that shit like you own it through the airport and all the way out to your gate!