1. When asked a ridiculous hypothetical question about whether, if he could go back in time, he’d kill baby Hitler, Jeb Bush:
a. Smiled politely and declined to answer
b. Said yes enthusiastically
c. Said no, explaining that without Hitler, there would be no template for how the GOP should handle the Syrian refugees
2. According to Ben Carson, the pyramids were:
a. Navigation markers for alien spacecraft
b. Built by the Biblical Joseph to store grain
c. Here when we moved in
3. On 9/11, Donald Trump saw “thousands of Muslims” cheering:
a. In Jersey City
b. On television
c. In a vision
4. Carly Fiorina decided to run for president because she figured:
a. “Well, I ran HP into the ground. Might as well do the same for the USA”
b. “Lies about Planned Parenthood will sound more believable if I say them”
c. “Sarah’s sitting this one out, and they need a chick so badly they’d take anyone even remotely viable who isn’t a white dude. Let me put my hat in the ring and see how far I can go. Worst case, I can jack up the speaking fees”
5. That Rand Paul has occasionally been the voice of reason on the debate stage indicates that:
a. Truth is stranger than fiction
b. The other candidates are all bat-shit insane
c. We are all doomed
6. The moment in the campaign when Jeb Bush appeared the most human was when he was talking about:
a. How his daughter Noelle was arrested for possession of crack cocaine
b. Syrian no-fly zones
c. His kick-ass fantasy football team, on which he owns Gronk and the immortal Ryan Tannehill
7. Chris Christie won’t get the nomination because:
a. He’s fat
b. He’s a Cowboys fan, despite being from New Jersey, and there is footage of him in Jerry Jones’s luxury box, in a red sweater, cheering like a happy schoolboy after a Dallas victory
c. He acknowledges the existence of climate change
8. If elected, Ted Cruz cannot serve as president of the United States because, unlike Barack Obama, he was born in a foreign country. Cruz is a native of:
a. Canada
b. Cuba
c. Tatooine
9. At the first debate, Marco Rubio cut off a moderator during a question, explaining that he was against ALL exceptions for abortion, including for rape, incest, and health of the mother. He did this:
a. To trumpet his conservative bona fides
b. As an aphrodisiac, because he knows the ladies love a guy who would happily watch them die to save a fetus
c. Because he is a dick
10. By appearing with disgraced Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee showed that he is ignorant of:
a. The Constitution, which Davis was in clear violation of
b. The teachings of Jesus Christ, none of which include institutional discrimination against gay people
c. The fact that, if I may paraphrase Dennis Miller, he’s only half a point ahead of me in the polls, and I’m not even running
11. Who is the only Republican candidate who has appeared in all the major debates who has not yet been mentioned in a question?
a. The governor of Ohio, whose name I always confuse with that of Dennis Kusinich
b. The governor of Virginia, Dave Gilmour
c. Voldemort
12. Vladimir Putin would be intimidated by:
a. Donald Trump
b. Chris Christie
c. No one currently running, Democrat or Republican. Seriously, I can hear his vodka-infused laugh from here
13. That Donald Trump is still ahead in the polls is an indictment of:
a. The methodology of polls
b. Beltway insiders
c. Us
14. How much does the Republican establishment miss Mitt Romney right about now?
a. More than Lamar Odom wishes he never met the Kardashians
b. More than The Weeknd loves that he can’t feel his face when he’s with you
c. Not as much as it enjoys tax cuts for the top 1%
~
Not your next president.
Answers:
1-b, 2-b, 3-b, 4-c, 5-b, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-a/c, 10-all, 11-a, 12-c, 13-a (I hope), 14-a
