CAMPAIGN TIME CAN be a real drag. Bad commercials, depressing fact-checking, the actual stress of worrying about your favorite candidates. I have an idea that might make this fall a little more fun. Grab the phone book and dial some random number. Say you’re from the Internet and you’re conducting a poll on this year’s presidential election. Politely ask for a few minutes of their time and then proceed through this questionnaire.
1. If you were stranded on a boat with a tiger, but you had one wish and you could turn that tiger into a person, would you turn the tiger into
A) Barack Obama.
B) Mitt Romney.
C) Barack Obama, but he looked and talked more like Michelle Obama.
D) Mitt Romney, but he looked and talked more like a “Fabulous Baker Boys”-era Michelle Pfeiffer.
2. How much do you want Michelle Obama to be your mom?
A) So much that it hurts the feelings of your actual mom.
B) You’ve had your name legally changed to Sasha N. Malia.
C) Totally, but that doesn’t make me a liberal.
D) Michelle Obama is my mom.
3. If you had two moms, would you want them to be
A) Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton.
B) Ann Romney and that lady who was married to George W. Bush.
C) Your favorite two members of the Gold Medal-winning Olympic Women’s 4 x 100 meter team.
D) Tall.
4. Who would you most rather have a beer with?
A) Barack Obama.
B) Mitt Romney.
C) Paul Ryan.
D) Foo Fighters and Paul Ryan, while Foo Fighters are making fun of Paul Ryan.
5. If you could listen to Clint Eastwood interview an empty chair, who would you like Clint Eastwood to be imagining in that empty chair?
A) George Washington.
B) Abraham Lincoln.
C) Theodore Roosevelt.
D) Chuck Norris (with his nunchucks), so Clint Eastwood would end up fighting with the chair.
6. Which member of a major-party ticket would be most likely to “break bad” during his presidency and secretly cook killer blue meth to sell throughout the Southwest?
A) Barack Obama.
B) Mitt Romney.
C) Paul Ryan.
D) So totally Joe Biden.
7. Yes or no: Did you know that Mitt Romney’s middle name is also Hussein?
8. What the hell is up with the Red Sox this year?
A) Obama’s a Kenyan Socialist.
B) If he’s not hiding anything, why didn’t he just show us his birth certificate in the first place?
C) Obama’s a Muslim, and his Christian minister is an America-hating racist.
D) We should cut taxes.
9. If Hillary Clinton called at three a.m.
A) I would wonder how she got my number.
B) Would you really want Mitt Romney to pick it up? Why would she be calling him?
C) Where do you think she would be? Do you think she’d need a ride?
D) What if she were crying?
10. Is Sarah Palin OK?
A) I’m worried about her.
B) She had it all. Now she doesn’t. Not very many people could handle that.
C) Someone should call her and ask how she’s doing.
D) I’m not talking about tweeting her or hitting her up on Facebook…I mean calling her and saying, “Hi, Sarah. You all right?”
11. If Rick Santorum had won the GOP nomination, what do you think the chances of him picking Newt Gingrich as his running mate would’ve been?
A) Oh my sweetbabyjesus God I think my head just exploded just thinking about that.
B) You are a horrible person for making me think that. How am I going to get this out of my brain? I have an important presentation to make in like an hour—how the f*** am I going to get through that meeting with that nightmare in my head?
C) I’ll kill you.
D) Why don’t you just reach down my throat and pull out my spleen?
12. Do you remember Michele Bachmann?
A) Man, that was just so weird.
B) But still, if she were the president—no, seriously, that was, like, a real possibility. She was ahead there for a while.
C) Just to be totally clear: She’s still in Congress. You know that, right?
D) Yes, I do remember Michele Bachmann. She is a visionary.
13. Don’t you think
A) Paul Ryan would like it if Joe Biden gave him a nice hug?
B) House Republicans would make a pretty good flag football team? I mean, they’re ornery as all hell. I’d hate to try and score on those guys.
C) “Creative Destruction” sounds cool?
D) Romney looks like he knows a martial art?
14. If Condoleeza Rice, Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama and walked into a bar, how awesome would that be?
15. A good name for a third party would be
A) The Live Free or Die Party.
B) New Labor.
C) Bain Capital.
D) Brangelina.
16. Fifteen percent of Ohioans think Mitt Romney deserves credit for killing Osama Bin Laden. Match the public figure with accomplishments for which you think they deserve credit
A) Bill Clinton
B) John Boehner
C) Rachel Maddow
D) Herman Cain
1) Capturing D.B. Cooper
2) Landing the Curiosity rover on Mars
3) Winning the Super Bowl
4) Winning “The Voice” on NBC
17. Ron Paul
A) Has a pierced ear.
B) Was in the original “Bad News Bears.”
C) No he wasn’t.
D) Once ran a marathon in three hours. Paul Ryan said so.
18. One of the most important issues to a lot of people is immigration. Yes or no: Do you like soccer?
19. The most fun thing about a second term for President Obama:
A) More Al Green.
B) He’ll join Derrick Rose in the Chicago Bulls backcourt and lead them to a seventh NBA title.
C) His clothing line will launch at Target.
D) He so totally won’t even care.
20. What do you think is the most important issue facing our country today?
A) The economy.
B) Terrorism.
C) Education.
D) Michelle Obama becoming my mom.
