Things We Know for Sure After the First Republican Debate

1. There were no women.
2. Rand Paul really is a stupid asshole.
3. The candidates are shit scared of Hillary.
4. “ObamaCare” will be repealed another 420 times.
5. Ben Carson is a friggin’ genius: articulate, intelligent, humble, and a true humanitarian. Do we want him running the country? – Hell no, he doesn’t have a chance.
6. The Donald’s view on women is fluid.
   Should we be concerned? Probably not. To put it in perspective, there were 10 men standing in a public political arena speaking with defiant candor about how men will devise legislation that dictates how women will deal with their bodies. Chastising The Donald for a few callous and offensive remarks about women is not going to mitigate the fact that we still allow men to determine women’s reproductive rights.
7. “The Donald” is probably the best equipped, of the ten on stage, to deal with the corruption, greed, and hubris in Washington.
   Why? Where other well-trained presidential wannabes construct elaborate narratives to cover their indiscretions, The Donald admits his errors and points to the exquisitely constructed labrythine laws in this country that allow all rich and privileged men – many of whom were standing on the same stage – to avoid detection and conceal their greed. We like the greedy to tell us they’re greedy and then, to point to legislation – that we have no access to – in order to explain how they accrued their ill-gotten gains.
8. Rand Paul really is a stupid asshole. Oh wait – I covered that.
9. Rubio and Christie were the most logical and conducted themselves like politicians, and no one cares. So Rubio was raised from paycheck to paycheck. I, and tens of millions of others, now live from paycheck to paycheck. So what? He may think statements like that will mollify Hillary, but I’m here to tell him she will take his balls and crush them.
10. In Florida they call Jeb Bush, “Jeb” – and he earned it… What hell does that mean?  Do they not use first names in Florida? Someone text me if you know.

And Our Political Debate Wrap Up:

Was the Donald presidential? Absolutely not, and that’s his ticket. People are tired of “presidential” and “political correctness.” We want bombastic, edgy, unpredictable and dangerous. We want reality TV and we want it hard and fast. The things we were taught – work hard and long and you’ll attain that mythical “American Dream” – no longer hold any validity. [Spoiler Alert] It was a lie. We clamor for real hard-core, dangerous change to be implemented – not change guided by policy and pundits, but change wrangled with force and bravado. We want people who are willing to shed their clothing and any semblance of propriety and survive in a hostile environment. We want to see them eviscerate their perceived enemies and take no prisoners. We want narcissists and megalomaniacs.

There are over 46 million people living in poverty in America. Affirmations, yoga, and positive thinking aren’t going to dig us out of an ever-widening slum of desperation. We need someone to take the bull by the horns and wreak havoc. We’re tired of the same old divisive politics. What we want is a tyrant – a person who is so narcissistic and unafraid of confrontation that they will attack anyone who disagrees with them. We want a leader whose platform will effortlessly polarize and seduce large swathes of the population. Look to history for evidence that this type of tyrant can amass unchecked power. Check out the Weimar Republic and the rise of Hitler. It’s closer than you think.

Republican presidential candidates from left, Chris Christie, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Scott Walker, Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, and John Kasich take the stage for the first Republican presidential debate at the Quicken Loans Arena Thursday, Aug. 6, 2015, in Cleveland. (AP Photo/John Minchillo)