козырь: Trump Treason Power Rankings (Week 36)

In the tradition of Amy Siskind’s (more exhaustive and better) weekly list of subtle authoritarian changes, козырь is a weekly ranking of who in Trump’s circle of corrupt associates has committed the most treason in the past seven days. H/t to Mark Listanti, late of Grantland, whose brilliant format for “Mad Men Power Rankings” I have appropriated. Updated every Tuesday until Mueller saves the Republic. 

1. Paul Manafort
We now know that the shady character at the helm of the Trump campaign during its maximum treason period (i.e., March-July 2016) has either been indicted or will be soon. The feds did a no-knock raid of his house, after getting permission to tap his phones; both of these things can only be done by presenting a judge with a shit-ton of incriminating evidence. Now he wants to go to Iraq “on business;” one hopes his passport is in Mueller’s back pocket. Although I’m sure Putin would give him hurry-up Russian citizenship. Or promise same before feeding him polonium tea.

2. Roger Stone
Dirty trickster/Gotham City supervillain made a public appearance before the House Intelligence Committee and gaslighted the place so much, they had to call Con Ed. Stone claims to have had no contact with the Russians, despite playing DM footsie with a known Russian hacker…and then going on TV and predicting dirty tricks before they happened. “Never pass up a chance to have sex, be on television or testify before a House Congressional Committee,” he tweeted (I can’t link because Captain Courageous blocked me), before accusing Adam Schiff of being Batman.

3. Private email servers
You’re not gonna believe this, on account of how vehemently the Trumpers attacked HRC’s use of a private server, but a number of Trumpers have private servers, and/or use private email accounts to conduct government business. I know. Who would have seen this coming? (Answer: people who knew that healthcare was, in fact, this hard).

4. Donald Trump, Kim Jung Un (tie)
Like one of those Magic Eye puzzles, the pattern is easy to spot, once you know what to look for. 1) A bombshell Trump/Russia story breaks. 2) North Korea launches a missile. 3) We all forget about said bombshell Trump/Russia story. It’s almost like Kim and Trump are two Grimace-sized puppets being controlled by Putin. Certainly they look like props from some poisoned production of Avenue Q. And as I’ve said before, Trump could not be more of a puppet if Putin’s fist were halfway up his ass.

5. Michael Cohen
Trump’s longtime personal attorney has never been to Prague, has never been to Russia, has never colluded, has never worked as a liaison between Trump and the Russians, did not attend any forums, did not accept any invitations, never emailed Putin’s PR guy Peskov, and rejects the notion that it’s creepy to post pictures of one’s own daughter in lingerie. Perhaps he will tell Mueller that it was all an Edie Sedgwick homage?

6. Donald Trump, Jr.
Ducked his Secret Service detail to kill animals in Canada. Next up: Ducking Secret Service detail to defect to Russia? One thing’s for sure, he’s got plenty of friends there.

7. Jared Kushner
That he registered to vote as a woman in New York, combined with his frequent screw-ups on his security clearance forms, suggests that he’s maybe not very good at paperwork. This doesn’t change the fact that he worked with Manafort and the Russians to rig the election. We echo the indefatigable patriot Ted Lieu: Why does this little shit still have a security clearance?

Today is Saturday. That means we all need to ask again: Why does Jared Kushner still have a security clearance? https://t.co/E6RilBEh40

— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) September 30, 2017

8. Facebook
Zuckerberg must be wistful about the time when his social media behemoth was used primarily to poke and throw sheep at other users, rather than, you know, spread Chekist propaganda and undermine both the election and our democracy. How do you say “dislike button” in Russian?

9. Anyone who claims there is “not a shred of evidence” connecting the Trump campaign to the Russians
This Caitlin Johnstone person who keeps popping up in my daily Medium email, insisting that I’m a fool for believing the narrative, is but one such example. Because the thing is, we’ve known about the Trump/Putin bromance at least since Hillary brought it up at the debate (“You’re the puppet!”). Since then, every single story that’s come out has corroborated the Trump/Russia collusion narrative. Every story. Every last fucking one. There’s never something that breaks that makes you go, “Oh, wait, maybe they’re totally innocent.” It’s exactly the opposite. Every. Fucking. Time. If you’re holding out for the pee-pee tape, you’re part of the problem.

10. Jill Stein
Vlad and Jill went up a hill / For dinner at the Kremlin / Jill came back / Went on the attack / She’s now a Trumper gremlin.

11. Mike Pence
Remember: Ol’ Blue Eyes was Manafort’s hand-picked choice to be VP, and since Paulie Walnuts doesn’t wipe his ass without Vlad’s say-so, this means Pence enjoyed Putin’s endorsement. And despite the aw-shucks routine, he knew exactly what was going on from the gate. Because he talked to Manafort every fucking day. Prediction: Pence goes down before Trump, and right after Manafort.

12. Reince Priebus
His name is an anagram of “took money from Russia while at RNC.”

Not Ranked: Steve Bannon, Julian Assange, Cambridge Analytica, Steve Bannon’s gin blossoms, Carter Page, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Devin Nunes, Tom Price, Steve Mnunchin, Wilbur Ross, Steve Bannon’s enormous ass, Ivanka Trump, Jared registering to vote as a woman, the hotel in Baku Ivanka Trump built with Iranian terrorist money that’s shaped like a giant butt plug, Mike Flynn, Betsy DeVos, Erik Prince, Jeff Sessions, Eric Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Rex Tillerson, Sean Hannity, Felix Sater, the slew of Russian oligarchs with long names I’m too lazy to Google who gave many rubles to the RNC, “Doctor” Seb Gorka, RU’s list of “Russophobes,” Melania Trump, James Woods, Scott Baio, Brad Parscale, Stephen Miller, Sarah Huckebee Sanders, the more than 100 Dalmatians killed and skinned so that Mnunchin’s princess of a wife could make her a dog-skin coat.