In the tradition of Amy Siskind’s (more exhaustive and better) weekly list of subtle authoritarian changes, козырь is a weekly ranking of who in Trump’s circle of corrupt associates has committed the most treason in the past seven days. H/t to Mark Listanti, late of Grantland, whose brilliant format for “Mad Men Power Rankings” I have appropriated. Updated every Tuesday until Mueller saves the Republic.
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1. Jeff Sessions
Beauregard committed perjury yet again this week. A verse:
Sessions, Nazi Keebler elf,
A nobler man would kill himself.
Bigotry is one good reason.
Another one is treason.
He won’t kill himself, but he will die in prison, so there’s that.
Last week: not ranked
2. Donald Trump
I wrote this on Twitter when Niger first began trending, and it became my most popular tweet:
Please Lord let someone teach Trump how to pronounce "Niger" before he starts talking about it.
— Greg Olear (@gregolear) October 4, 2017
To my knowledge, he has still not uttered the word in public.
But here’s what they’re not telling you: Our soldiers were killed in Niger because Chadian troops pulled out. Chadian troops pulled out because Trump included Chad on his odious travel ban. Trump included Chad on his odious travel ban because…no one knows why, but it may have something to do with petroleum. With starts with P, and that rhymes with T, and that stands for treason.
Last week: #3
3. Sean Hannity
He and his fellow shit-heel Julian Assange are up to no good. Can we buy stock in “Hannity will be removed from FoxNews within two weeks of Trump being removed from White House?”
Last week: not ranked
4. Jared Kushner
You know how on Breaking Bad, it’s obvious from the pilot episode that Walter White and Hank will come into conflict due to White’s illicit activities? At some point, Kushner and Trump will come to blows. I don’t think things will end any better for them than they did for White. Which will only spell trouble for…
Last week: #4
5. Ivanka Trump
She knows where the bodies are buried. The figurative ones related to Russia collusion, and the literal ones in Baku and wherever her sweatshops are located.
Last week: #10
6. Paul Manafort
All quiet on the treason front for our two-time top entry, but as Trump himself remarked, this is the calm before the storm.
Last week: #1
7. John Kelly
He looks like a bad guy on 24.
Last week: not ranked
8. Erik Prince
Something tells me we’re going to hear a lot about Betsy DeVos’ brother (Betsy DeBro?) before Mueller closes the case on Russia. He’s managed to keep out of the spotlight. For now.
Last week: not ranked
9. Tony Podesta
Treason is bipartisan, maybe? There are two political parties in the US right now: you’re either taking orders from Vladimir Putin, or you’re not.
Last week: not ranked
10. Rex Tillerson
The State Department pulled the US visa for Bill Browder, one of Putin’s most vocal, and effective, critics. Rex runs the State Department, at least nominally, and in this case, he did his old friend Vladimir a solid.
Last week: not ranked
11. Lara Trump
She can read transcripts that don’t exist, so Loony McCrazypants married into the right family.
Last week: not ranked
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Not Ranked: Kim Jong Un, Steve Bannon, Values Voters, Julian Assange, Bill O’Reilly, Cambridge Analytica, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Devin Nunes, Devin Nunes recusing himself but then calling backsies, Tom Price, Tom Price’s hateful wife, Steve Mnunchin, Wilbur Ross, Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer, Mike Flynn, Betsy DeVos, Cyrus Vance, Eric Trump, Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, the cornfield in which Jim Comey contemplates life, Felix Sater, “Doctor” Seb Gorka, Melania Trump, Brad Parscale, Stephen Miller, Sarah Huckebee S[l]anders, and anyone who made fun of Frederica Wilson’s hat.
