In the tradition of Amy Siskind’s (more exhaustive and better) weekly list of subtle authoritarian changes, козырь is a weekly ranking of who in Trump’s circle of corrupt associates has committed the most treason in the past seven days. H/t to Mark Listanti, late of Grantland, whose brilliant format for “Mad Men Power Rankings” I have appropriated. Updated every Tuesday until Mueller saves the Republic.
1. The NRA
The National Russia Association has deep ties to Vladimir Putin, a staunch foreign supporter of this domestic terrorist organization that buys and sells politicians like they’re penny stocks. And why not? Most Americans don’t own guns; the overwhelming majority of Americans want more gun control; politicians refuse because of pressure from the NRA, which is basically one of those Russian nesting dolls that fits inside the Kremlin. This is not how democracy works. This is not even how lobbying works. This is mob tactics. Right down to the corpses.
Last week: not ranked
2. Paul Manafort
Things went from superbad to astonishingly worse for Paulie Walnuts, whose emails to a Russian intermediary of Putin BFF and oligarch Oleg V. Deripaska reek of the sort of sad desperation primarily found in characters played by William H. Macy and videos of alt-right protesters post-arrest. “Does OVD like that I’m campaign manager? What did OVD say? Does OVD like my green tie? Would OVD like to sleep with my wife?” There is a term for this sort of sad-sack submissive beta male, a term quite popular with the MAGA crowd; it starts with a C and rhymes with suck.
Last week: #1
3. Dana Rohrbacher
The known FSB asset and California Congressman (Republican, if you can believe it!) was in Moscow a few months before the Trump Tower meeting with Manafort, Kushner, Junior, and the Russians. While there, he met with Natalia Veselnitskaya, who you might remember from such meetings as The Meeting Junior Arranged with the Jolly British Publicist at Trump Tower. Did they discuss “adoptions?” Nah, they took a page out of the Trump playbook and went right past the dog whistle to the literal and rapped about those pesky sanctions.
Last week: not ranked
4. Jared Kushner
The odds that the son will follow his father to the hoosgow rose yet again this week, as details emerged that the Manhattan district attorney maybe, just maybe, took a campaign contribution in exchange for dropping a case against him and his soulless wife, and that he probably should have gone to jail a while ago, before all this treason business. As to the treason business, yeah, so it turns out that after he went to Washington he started using a private server, and there are classified documents on a server at the Trump Organization. Look, I get his penchant for secrecy—I’d be secret, too, if I were actively committing treason—but he sucks so bad at it. He’s like a little kid playing hide and seek who thinks that because his face is buried in the blankets you can’t see his legs. If he’s as bad at negotiating Middle East peace settlements as he is at hiding emails, we’re lucky Iran hasn’t nuked Jerusalem by now. Also: he worked with Manafort and the Russians to rig the election.
Last week: #7
5. Facebook
I can’t hit refresh on my Facebook feed without more bad news for the Good Ship Zuckerberg. As the known numbers of ads purchased by Russians in places like Michigan and Wisconsin continues to skyrocket, it’s becoming clear that Facebook was weaponized by Putin to rig the election. And Zuck not letting us all see the ads is not about free speech, but about concealing the extent of his treachery.
Last week: #8
6. Private email servers
Note to Chris Cillizza and other HRC haters: change the emphasis from “but her emails” to “but her emails.”
Last week: #3
7. Donald Trump
The calm before the storm? Our nation’s top diplomat called him a “fucking moron.” Which is perhaps too generous, as Orange Hitler hasn’t had a legit hard-on since Russian whores wet the bed in Moscow. Which, by the way, really happened.
Last week: #4
8. Robert Mercer
Billionaire donor, GOP whoremaster, and co-owner, with Putin, of Donald Trump.
Last week: not ranked
9. Donald Trump, Jr.
Big NRA supporter. Wants kids to play with guns. Twitter troll. None of this will help him at his inevitable public hearing before the subcommittee, when the world will know for sure that the fucking moron acorn did not fall far from the fucking moron tree.
Last week: #6
10. Ivanka Trump
Forget that the New York’s DA’s office had a fat case against her for outright lying about her shitty Soho property, and she avoided this only by buying him off. Any time Trumpy does something egregiously awful to women, the Women Who Work author and self-proclaimed feminist icon makes the Treason list.
Last week: not ranked
11. Mike Pence
Whether or not his leaving the Colts game after 49ers players took a knee was a publicity stunt, he a) left immediately to do a fundraising event for Dana Russiabacher, and b) was joined at the hip with Manafort for months and lied his ass off about it. He’s going down. Hard. You know, like in his fantasies.
Last week: #11
12. Richard Spencer
You know he’s a Nazi. You know his face is temptingly punchable. You know he has some weird fetish about the Robert E. Lee statue in Charlottesville. You may not know that his wife is basically Colonel Klebb of From Russia with Love fame. Motherfucker works for SMERSH.
Last week: not ranked
Not Ranked: Vladimir Putin’s birthday, Kim Jong Un, Steve Bannon, Julian Assange, Harvey Weinstein whataboutism, Cambridge Analytica, the Geraldoification of Chris Cillizza, Carter Page, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Devin Nunes, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, Tom Price, Steve Mnunchin, Wilbur Ross, Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer, Mike Flynn, Betsy DeVos, Erik Prince, Cyrus Vance, Jeff Sessions, Eric Trump, Ivana Trump’s move to be ambassador to the Czech Republic, Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Rex Tillerson, Sean Hannity, Felix Sater, “Doctor” Seb Gorka, RU’s list of “Russophobes,” Melania Trump, James Woods, whatever barely legal woman James Wood brings to his antiquing shows, Brad Parscale, Stephen Miller, Sarah Huckebee S[l]anders, and Second Lady Karen “Mother” Pence for being the beard for a sanctimonious fake Christian antifeminist Putin collaborator.
