Hi, folks! I’m back with more questions from my faithful readers.
Do Bonds and Clemens belong in the Hall of Fame, or should they be excluded for being cheaters and piece-of-shit people?
Doug Brown
Harrisburg, Penn.
I met a guy who wrote a biography of Barry Bonds, and he said that Bonds is the biggest asshole who ever walked the face of the earth. He’s been married about six times, and all of his wives are strippers. He surrounds himself with these big, mean dogs. His teammates, to a man, all vouch for his general douchebaggery. He once claimed not to know a former—and less celebrated—teammate from college, even though the guy was in Bonds’s wedding. He screwed the city of Pittsburgh, and my Pirates never recovered, as you well know, Doug, being from central PA. And the evidence for him using PEDs like kids use Flintstones vitamins is pretty compelling. Seriously, look at the size of his head on his rookie card, and compare it to the ginormous watermelon it became. As for Clemens, he’s still a cheater and an asshole, but a slightly less egregious one than Bonds.
The thing is, these are two of the best (regular season) players of all time, without question. That they played in the Steroids Era—which, by the way, was tacitly condoned by Hall of Fame Fucktard Bud Selig until five minutes after it became profitable—is not their fault. They didn’t wager on their own games, like Pete Rose did, and Shoeless Joe was alleged to have done. They didn’t go into the stands to kick the crap out of a guy in a wheelchair, because the wheelchair guy called him a racial epithet, like Ty Cobb did—Ty Cobb, who is in the Hall of Fame, one of the inaugural inductees. Do we bar white players from the 1920s because they were engaging in racism by excluding players of color, or do we just chalk it up to the time and let it be?
Big Ron’s solution: they should add another wing to the museum in Cooperstown—a big, bloated, oversized wing—and put all the steroid guys in there. McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, Clemens, Palmiero. Like it or not, those were the best players in baseball during that time, and they should be recognized as such. When it comes to the kind of cheating they all did, having shrunken testicles and permanent erectile dysfunction should be punishment enough.
Bonds, at normal size.
Are the Knicks for real?
Patrick Green
Teterboro, N.J.
I gotta admit, Pat, I never saw this coming. I pegged Carmelo Anthony as an almost-elite star who isn’t quite good enough to defeat the LeBrons and Kobes—which is pretty much what Patrick Ewing was, with respect to Michael Jordan. The Knicks always seem to build around guys like that. But this year, so far, Melo is killer, the real deal. If I’m Jimmy Dolan, I bring Amar’e Stoudamire a suitcase full of cash and tell him to take the rest of the year off. If Stat comes back and demands that Melo slide back to the three, the charade is over.
A few weeks ago, you said Tom Brady lost a step. Care to eat crow, asshole?
Sully O’Sullivan
Quincy, Mass.
Only if it’s cooked and served by Gisele.
Gisele sampling penne a la crow.
What do you make of that dude from Grinnell who went for 138 in a college hoop game?
Stephen White
Pillsbury, Ark.
You’re referring to Jack Taylor, who shredded Faith Baptist Bible so badly they have renounced Jesus. I know some of my media colleagues have gotten preachy about this, how it’s a bad display of sportsmanship and what-not, but I disagree. 138 in a college game of any kind is a mammoth achievement, period. Kudos to the Eisenhower-era-named Jack Taylor.
Sure, Faith Baptist Bible is a small school, but it’s not like Grinnell is Duke. I mean, they have a team, right? Ten guys who practice together? Once Taylor went for 80, do you think they should have maybe triple-teamed him? Make the guy pass! You know how many assists Taylor put up in that game? None! Nada! Zilch! He didn’t pass the rock at all! Send more guys at him, coach! Me and four fairly athletic guys could have held Taylor to 90…he’s not Kobe Bryant, you know? Also: it’s been awhile since Sunday School, but I’m pretty sure Paul wrote in 2 Corithians that if a guy scores triple digits on you, it’s no longer a sin to knock him on his ass.
BIG RON’S MONEY LINE
Wanna make some money this week? Lay your cash with Big Ron
College football: Georgia (+3) vs. Alabama take Georgia, bet $100
Baylor (-5) vs. Oklahoma State take Baylor, bet $200
NFL: 49ers (-7) vs. Rams take 49ers, bet $500
Raiders (+14) vs. Cleveland take MY RAIDERS, bet the house.
