Fetal Attraction


TYPICALLY, REPUBLICANS WANT to off everything with a heartbeat, be it an adorable animal, an enemy combatant, or a behoodied teen on his way to buy Skittles.

Yet when abortion is concerned, almost all of them diverge from the pro-death party line. Why afford the unborn special protections?  Don’t they realize that some of those fetuses they’re constantly championing will turn out to be gay or black or atheist, or quite possibly all three at once?

I know this is what they say in private, at their lavish conferences, or maybe those kinky Eyes Wide Shut sex parties Newt Gingrich likes to frequent. (No word on whether he runs into Stephen Hawking there, but a girl can hope.)  I think it’s high time they made “pro-death” their official position on abortion.

(Speaking of Newt—and kudos to Mrs. Gingrich for having the foresight to name her son after a simple-brained amphibian—you’d think he’d especially be all for abortions, given his capacity for extramarital affairs. According to his campaign rhetoric, though, he is vehemently opposed. But he doesn’t look like he could maintain an erection long enough to slip on a condom, so there are probably bastard Gingrichs spanning the globe. Which might be the best argument anyone’s made for abortion, ever).

Quick, who gets the most abortions? That’s right, poor people!  Another group that Republicans revile. What better way to cut back on hand-outs and thin out the Democratic vote than to encourage poor, unwed mothers to give up their unborn babies to the Big Dude in the Sky? Republicans can be the “culling kids” party, provided the parents of the fetus in question fail a credit check.

Future community organizer.

It’s funny that Planned Parenthood is so derided by the right, considering Margaret Sanger is like every Republican man’s wet dream: bloodthirsty and racially intolerant. The aim of PP under Sanger was to stop those she deemed inferior, i.e. anyone not lily white, from procreating at a breakneck speed. This is the type of factoid that liberals wish to forget, and conservatives appear to be too dimwitted to make use of.

Also, wasn’t slaughtering children a huge part of the Bible? From what I remember, the Bible is one big snuff tome: people getting hacked left and right, bear attacks, daughter rape, incest, sodomy. The action really took a nose dive when that Jesus character was introduced, but it picked up again towards the end.

Abortion could clear the Earth for the litters of children Christian conservative families like to spawn. Once rid of the undesirables, every playground would be overrun with scores of home-schooled, hard-hearted, thoroughly-misinformed conservative children, who believe that dinosaurs are fake but God is real, that it’s normal for Mom to be continuously pregnant, and that when Daddy cries at night it’s because he’s so happy, not because his boyfriend Leon just callously ended their online relationship via webcam.

It’s easy for Republicans to stand up for the unborn because they, the unborn, are a blank slate. To hear, say, Rick Santorum speak, it’s as though every woman electing to have an abortion is killing a future cancer cure, or the next MLK. This is entirely possible.

"He was such a nice boy."

Equally possible is that women getting abortions are also killing off murderers and rapists and drug addicts and other degenerate drains on society, like Rick Santorum. Of course this sinister conjecture is just as pointless and faulty as the reverse. There’s no sense in pondering it because it never was and it never will be. It’s a shallow ploy to manipulate the weak-willed and sensitive, and that’s what “pro-life” Republicans deal in, crude emotional ploys to browbeat you into agreeing with them.

So they should just come out with it. Romney/Santorum 2012: Yes we hate you, and we wish you were dead. That would make a pretty good campaign slogan.


About Stacie Adams

Stacie Adams is a drinker with a writing problem. Her scribblings can be found everywhere from bathroom stalls to the printed page. She's hoping the way finds her real soon; if not, she may resort to cannibalism. She lives in Pittsburgh and blogs at The First Church of Mutterhals.
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