Meet the Presidential Candidates! (In Bad Haiku)

Donald Trump
The Apprentice star’s
Bigger than bigger than big.
An asshole, that is.

Chris Christie
Can’t win New Jersey.
May he spend next eight years stuck
In Fort Lee traffic.

Rand Paul
He is named for Ayn,
Who’s named for a typewriter.
Like Atlas, I shrug.

Rick Perry
The glasses can’t hide
The fact that he ain’t that bright,
Even for Texas.

John Kusich
At a gay wedding,
He was moved by show of love.
Which means he can’t win.

Mike Huckabee
A nice guy, they say.
(Except for the part about
Letting women die.)

Marco Rubio
“I never said that,”
He cried. He WANTS raped women
To give incest birth.

Rick Santorum
Denies climate change,
Making him less flexible
Than the Pope (HIS Pope).

Carly Fiorina
She’d run the country
Like she ran HP: into
The cold fucking ground.

George Pataki
Who the heck is he?
What’s that? Governor of where?
Why is he running?

Jeb Bush
Dubya’s kid brother.
Let me say that one more time:
Dubya’s kid brother.

Scott Walker
The issue isn’t
The lack of college degree.
It’s that he’s a dope.

Ted Cruz
Is he a birther?
Odd, considering he was
Born in Canada.

Bobby Jindal
That’s the state we should model
The country on? Please.

Ben Carson
We call him “doctor,”
Like that makes a difference
When he’s so cuckoo.

Bernie Sanders
Love him, but it’s strange
That the hopes of progressives
Lie with old white guy.

Hillary Clinton
Our next president.
Benghazi, email server,
So what. She trumps Trump.


About Billy The Poet

J. Edgar Nation must die.
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