Mitt Romney Translated Into English: Paul Ryan Edition


What Mitt says: “Actually, Paul Ryan and my plan for Medicare is the same. If not identical, it’s probably close to identical.”

What he really means: “Well, identical in the sense that I agree with whatever Paul and Ayn whipped up. I haven’t crunched the numbers yet. Or read it, really. But I’m pretty sure there’s cuts. And vouchers that cure cancer.”

The Truth: It must be emotionally crushing to take on the man you just called “the intellectual leader of the Republican party” as your running mate and purported subordinate. While objectivists and William Edward Hickman fans across the country cheered, Mitt stared vacantly at his new Boy Palin. And then, like lashing himself to the hood of his own car, swallowed the realization that even if he won he would forever be second in command.

"I wonder if anyone would notice if I stood up and licked behind Paul's ear?"

What Mitt says: “We reserve our deepest respect and admiration for those who volunteer for service and give their lives to help keep our nation secure.”

What he really means: “Well, sure, that respect is deep, but just not deep enough for me to have served this wonderful nation myself, because, ha-ha, I actually got a deferment during Vietnam for my Mormon missionary work in France. You know, the same France I keep poking jingoist fun at, even though I pretended to be a conscientious objector within its borders? Anyway, my Dad didn’t serve in WWII either, since he got a deferment for working at General Motors. In fact, Dad practically won the Battle of the Bulge all by himself staying home and making sure none of the line workers handed out pamphlets or milled around angrily long enough to call a general strike. Of course, none of my five (5) sons have served, nor do they have any intention of doing so. I mean, sure, some unlucky asshole has to duck shrapnel in Basra, and such assholes deserve every ounce of admiration I can unconvincingly muster, as long as it doesn’t cost me or my family a dime.”

The Truth: If Mitt’s religion—the very same one that guides him today as it did then—prevented him from fighting in Vietnam on moral grounds, how can he possibly claim that as president he would ever be in a moral position to oversee the military or order troops into combat?

"Fuck, no, I didn't serve. How you doin'?"

What Mitt says: “When sperm and egg unite, something goes from inanimate to animate. It is life.”

What he really means: “But that newly animated life better not apply for Head Start. Or want state-subsidized ketchup on its french fries. And when it’s a hundred thousand in debt after graduating from college, since Paul and I just cynically gutted Pell grants, it better get a job at a venture capital firm pretty damn quick. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if it made the personal choice to be hetero prior to dividing into a gamete.”

The Truth: Death also begins at conception, like a clock running backward.

The sperm that gets there first is a stone cold serial killer

What Mitt says: “I stand ready to lead us down a different path, where we are lifted up by our desire to succeed, not dragged down by a resentment of success.”

What he really means: “I’m rich, bitch. You think I’m giving any of my stack back? I worked hard for those eleven houses. And, you know, it didn’t hurt that my dad was rich, too. I mean, I still pulled myself up by my vicuna bootstraps. Nature vs. nurture and such. But it’s not like I had anything that any other hardworking American boy didn’t have. Like a governor father, or private prep schools, or tutors, or summer homes, or winter homes, or even a salt of the earth name like Mitt.”

The Truth: This election is 100% about class war, and will ultimately hinge on the right’s success in distracting everyone who makes less that $70,000 a year from that fact. If you think Mitt Romney’s entire platform is about anything other than The Preservation of Wealth for Those Lucky Enough to Already be Wealthy, you’re not paying attention.

"What do I have to do today to put you in a brand new Chevy Flatus?"

What Mitt says: “America cannot continue to lead the family of nations around the world if we suffer the collapse of the family here at home.”

What he really means: “Have I blinded you with my clever gay-code yet? No? Well, how about this: Alexander the Great may have conquered the world, but his empire collapsed primarily because he discovered antiquity’s first butt plug. If he’d just married and had a few kids, we’d all be speaking Macedonian right now. Also, Paul has six percent body fat. I mean, my god, you should see him with his shirt off.”

The Truth: We don’t even lead a family of our own states, let alone other countries. The only “family of nations” is across the street at Bob and Debbie’s house.

Bob and Debbie Nations

What Mitt says: “And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, ‘It could be worse.’ It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse? Of course not. What defines us as Americans is our unwavering conviction that we know it must be better.”

What he really means: “Someone in this race is black, and it ain’t me. Who you voting for again?”

The Truth: Presidents are only concerned with two things: 1. pear-shaped interns, and 2. leaving a legacy of “big” ideas or actions that ensures they’ll be talked about favorably for generations. Like, you know, building a dam. Or starting a pointless ten-year war. Or founding a utopian society of rogue industrialists in a hidden mountain lair. What President Obama most likely wakes up every morning and says is, “in twenty years Italian grandmas are gonna hang me over the mantle next to JFK and the pope when they realize just how close we came to the hollow, sweater-vest debacle of a Romney presidency.”

"Who wants fudge?"

What Mitt says: “I feel very deeply about the need to respect and tolerate people of different social or sexual orientation. But at the same time, I believe marriage should be preserved as an institution for one man and one woman.”

What he really means: “In fact, I feel it so deeply it’s currently tickling my prostate. But wait, have you Googled my grandfather and his polygamist compound? No? Good. Like I said, I believe that marriage is between one man and many women. Particularly if you live on a dusty ranch surrounded by chinless ladies, sun bonnets, and rabbit meat. State’s rights, fuckface. Go ahead and Google that, too.”

The Truth: Mitt feels very deeply about polls that show his internal programming should be reconfigured to care about an institution his religion has historically repudiated. Also, his respect includes tithing ten percent of his income to a church that donated twenty million dollars to the laughably bigoted Prop 8 in California, even though less than two percent of California residents are Mormon.

"Quick, protect marriage from that godless lesbian couple across the street. Even though they have a daughter who we sometimes have over for play-dates. And they helped me jump start my Lexus that one time. And gave us peach chutney for Christmas even though we didn't give them anything. Actually, you know what? They're pretty cool when you start talking to them and...oh, fuck it. As long as they invite us to the reception."

What Mitt says: “I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.”

What he really means:“If I could scum even one more false vote out of it, I’d name-drop Ol’ Dirty Bastard, too.”

The Truth: George Romney did not march with Martin Luther King. The Romney campaign has already been forced to quietly admit it. What Mitt actually saw his father do was stand next to the TV during that episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Willis and Arnold light Mr. Drummond on fire after demanding reparations.

"Did I mention I watched my father and ODB get their grills waxed together once too?"

What Mitt says: “Conservatism has had from its inception vigorously positive, intellectually rigorous agenda and thinking. That agenda should have in my three pillars: strengthen the economy, strengthen our security, and strengthen our families.”

What he really means: “I don’t need no stinking grammar or coherence to president up on your dumb asses. Read my quote again. Didn’t you hear me say families? Well, here it is on repeat, bitch: families. Strong, sweaty families. Muscular, hairy families. Have you pulled the lever yet? Well, do it again. Families. One more time. Families. Now to the left. Families. Oh, god. Oh, god, I think I’m going to vote.”

The Truth: It’s not possible for conservatism to have had anything since its inception since both its practice and meaning have changed wildly over the decades. What we call “conservatism” today is not only unrecognizable, but heretical to the conservatism of even thirty years ago, let alone when the movement was founded.

Would put on a skirt and shoot himself in the face if he were even dimly aware that Donald Trump existed.

What Mitt says: “Sometimes I wonder whether Washington’s liberal politicians truly understand the greatness that is America.”

What he really means: “Greatness, of course, being a euphemism for the way some people can be insanely wealthy and yet pay almost no taxes, even though it’s taxpayer-funded social services like the police department and the prison system that keep the poor from rising up, storming gated communities, and eating the flesh of the rich in the streets.”

The Truth: Yes, it’s true. By choosing to see the world through a progressive lens, Washington’s liberal politicians are not merely embracing an alternate viewpoint on how best to govern the country, but are actively seeking ways to make it as mediocre and unlivable as possible.

"If only we could go back to that glorious time of unfettered freedoms and liberties when every American was accorded respect for their beliefs, and any hard-working man and his many wives could wade up to their ankles in tyrant's blood any time they wanted."

What Mitt (mistakenly) said while introducing Paul Ryan as his running mate: “And so please welcome the next president of the United States…”

What he really meant: “Even if I somehow win I will almost certainly be one term, not only because I’ll be a disaster, but because that’s the deal the Ryan people negotiated in order to join my doomed ticket in the first place. So I really should have introduced him as our next incumbent. Or maybe the Six-Pack in Waiting.”

The Truth: If robe wearing, blood drinking, Greenspan twinking (and world’s handsomest walking embodiment of rational self-interest) Paul Ryan ever becomes president, it’s time to move to Venezuela and start stumping for Chavez.

"Yeah, well, I just picked The Turner Diaries as my new running mate."


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About Sean Beaudoin

Sean Beaudoin (@seanbeaudoin) is the author of five novels, including The Infects and Wise Young Fool. His new short story collection, Welcome Thieves, is just out with Algonquin Books.
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4 Responses to Mitt Romney Translated Into English: Paul Ryan Edition

  1. Jeffro says:

    Romney/Ryan campaign theme song: “Ghetto Superstar” by Pras featuring ODB and Mya

  2. Rachel Pollon says:

    I think you should get this to the Obama campaign so they can send it out as a plain and simple informational guide regarding their opponent. I mean it. Please.

    • Sean Beaudoin says:

      If only Axelrod would OK a hundred grand to get this printed into a national pamphlet campaign. I’d give it to them pro bono! Actually, that’s not true. As payment I’d demand that Michele meet me for a vodka cocktail at a dive bar in Wicker Park. Hey, I’ll buy!

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