MITT ROMBOT CANDIDATE 2012’s trip to Israel was a success. He got to trash Obama’s policy on Iran and suck up to Jewish voters at home by pointedly referring to Jerusalem as the capitol of Israel, while seizing the opportunity to blame the Palestinian people for the economic disparity between the two nations. (Dark-skinned, historically oppressed, not appreciative of Anglo-Saxon traditions…)

When wooing Jewish voters the Rombot, a bishop in the Mormon Church, likes to stress the ways Mormons and Jews are alike. Both are religions that became a people, both came out of the desert, both have been persecuted for their faith. One way that the Jews and Mormons differ is that the Mormons are missionaries indeed the majority of Mormons are first generation converts.

Despite the fact that the Jews have historically voted Democrat ,Mitt Rombot Candidate 2012 is, with missionary zeal, bent on converting Jewish voters, bringing them into the family fold, if you will. He’s making some headway thanks in part to the support of super casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, who tops the list of donors to the Rombot’s Super-PAC, having already delivered $10 million. At the Rombot’s private fundraiser in Israel, Sheldon was seated directly at the left of the Rombot. Why shouldn’t he be? Sure he hasn’t—himself—on paper—donated anything to the Rombot’s campaign, but funding the shadow campaign groups swamping the airwaves with anti-Obama ads for months.

Thank you Supreme Court for declaring that corporations are people!

Clearly Sheldon is betting the house that these “dark money groups” flooding the campaign system will not only drown what is in the best interest of the common man, but buoy his fortunes perhaps deliver him an ambassadorship?

I’m certain that if the Rombot who relentlessly presents himself as a moral man, a godly man—he’s a bishop in the Mormon Church, for gosh sake!–has promised Sheldon something for his hard work and sacrifice, he will deliver.

Mitt Romney looks for the secret passage inside the Wailing Wall.

I wonder if what the Rombot has promised is to put super Sheldon Adelson on the list of non-Mormon candidates to be baptized after death, thus granting Sheldon (and by extension his ancestors) the ultimate reward: salvation in the Eternal Kingdom of God. The practice of baptism after death is one of the doctrines of The Church of Latter Day Saints, without the saving ordinance of Christian baptism one cannot enter Heaven and have everlasting life.

According to the LDS Church the practice of proxy baptism began as a way “to unite extended family members, in an eternal bond” and increase the fold. No reason generations of non-Mormon ancestors, or those who hadn’t had the opportunity to be baptized, should burn in Hell or suffer in a lesser Heaven, one with only one roller rink and one hundred varieties of vanilla ice cream in the an all-you-can-eat sundae bar. Gradually that missionary zeal built to a point where followers were encouraged to expand their efforts beyond putting forth of the names of those directly related to Mormons–be they Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim—and just start stocking the lists with bodies.

The Church of Latter Day Saints, (whose members refer to themselves as “saints”) consider this proud Mormon tradition a great service to the human race.

(Fun fact: Utah, Romney’s home state and the home of Mormonism, boasts a Jewish population of 0.2%. Putting it down there with Alabama, Mississippi and the Dakotas. There are more Jews in Alaska than in Utah.)

Understand, members of the LDS Church are not digging up the mortal remains of the dead in order to perform the ritual of posthumous baptism in special fonts in secret Mormon temples. That would be bizarre, morbid and disturbing. The church employs stand-ins to represent the chosen person, their baptism by proxy “opens the door” for them to ascend to the highest heaven.

Indeed, in 2007 when Newsweek asked the Rombot if he had taken part in the Mormon Church’s posthumous baptism ceremonies he replied, “I have in my life, but I haven’t recently.”

Not surprisingly the Rombot has repeatedly refused to answer questions about how recently, or whether or not he took part in the controversial proxy baptisms Holocaust victims, or the baptism of any Jews.

I have no doubt in mind, knowing what the Rombot stands for that when the time comes, and come it will, bishop Rombot will be happy to act as a baptismal proxy for Sheldon and take the splash.

I’m going to wash that Jew right out of my hair!

One proxy-baptismal ceremony the Rombot does readily admit to participating in was that of his wife Ann’s vehemently atheist late father, Edward Roderick Davies, in 1992.  Why not; clearly Mr. Davies didn’t know his mind when he declined to join his family—who so respected him and his wishes—in the afterlife. Dad! Over here, on the putting green!  Hey Gloomy Gus, why don’t you don’t look happier to see us?  This will cheer you up, re-runs of Full House are on 24 hours a day!

It seems a bit unfair converting a man against his wishes who isn’t there to protect himself, doesn’t it? Did that make you feel like a big man, Rombot? Or, no not a big man, but a righteous man, right?


Another similarity between the Mormons and the Jews (although the Rombot never mentions it in his stump speeches, or private fundraising events) is the fact that Mormons and Jews look exactly the same on paper, that paper being the International Genealogical Index, the official Mormon baptismal record which lists approximately 380,000 Jewish victims of the Nazi Genocide and thousands of others—baptized by proxy–as Mormons.

The shocking discovery in 1994, that The Church of Latter Day Saints had baptized by proxy 380,000 Holocaust victims, ignited a fierce public outcry. Under pressure from the Anti-Defamation League and other outraged Jewish groups, the Mormon Church promised to stop what the Simon Wiesenthal Center called, the “unwanted and unwarranted posthumous baptisms of Jewish Victims of the Nazi Holocaust.” In 1995 the Church of Latter Day Saints signed an agreement saying they would no longer baptize the Jews. 

For twenty years the Mormon Church had been baptizing the dead, and while they insist baptism is just an invitation to salvation, it appears in the IGI, the most popular genealogical site on the web, to be conversions.  Or what amounts to a forced assimilation in the Afterlife.

 (Note: It’s standard etiquette to extend an invitation—whether to a luncheon in the temporal realm, or a square dance in the third Heaven–only to living people. Worth noting, people of the Jewish faith don’t believe in Heaven. So you are committing something of a faux pas.)

In fact, when you look at the genealogical records (and the Mormons are crazy about genealogy)—a Holocaust denier’s eyes might light up. I knew there was something was fishy about that whole “Holocaust” thing. You see it’s possible that maybe the mass extermination of the Jews didn’t even happen!

And, no, there is no way you can stop them.

However, the Mormon Church did say they would purge the names of Jewish Holocaust victims they had baptized by proxy. Although, they said, it could take years and years. And even then, well, they might miss a few hundred.

Or, as it turns out, they must just keep on “inviting” the Jews to join them. Just this February it was revealed that the parents of legendary Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal had been posthumously baptized by proxy. Which you have to admit it is pretty ballsy. As clearly Wiesenthal who died in 2005 and like his parents was a survivor of the Holocaust was violently opposed to this practice.

Ooops our bad.

This points up a great upside of proxy-baptism, by bypassing the old going door-to-door-in-a-suit route, getting the door slammed in your fresh-scrubbed face, is not only easier as centuries of trying to convert the Jews to Christianity against their will have shown—pogroms, wars, mass murders–it never goes smoothly, but by going directly to the grave, you can get the Jews you want. The good ones like Albert Einstein and Anne Frank, the poster girl for the Holocaust. In the last twenty years, eternally 15-old Anne Frank has been given the temple ordinance of baptism ten times! Give the girl a rest! She died in the Bergen-Belsen camp!

(Note: “Inviting” someone to salvation more than once, let alone ten times, is bad form. Indeed it’s considered harassment. Can you say Restraining Order?)

This taking-without-asking sort of echoes that whole problem the Republicans have had with getting rock musicians to let them use their songs for their campaigns. Like Newt Gingrich getting sued by Survivor for using “Eye of The Tiger”.

One of the most outspoken opponents of the Mormon’s practice of proxy-baptism is Nobel Peace Prize Winner and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel. Wiesel’s feeling is, in short, “I think it’s scandalous. Not only objectionable, it’s scandalous.”

Ironically, Wiesel’s parents have already by baptized by proxy and Wiesel himself has been deemed “ready” for proxy-baptism, despite the pesky fact he’s not even dead.

Let the record show, the Mormons call Wiesel.

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Zero Mostel over!

What excuse has the Mormon Church offered for their deception and continuing the practice of proxy-baptism of Jews despite their agreement?

“It was an accident.…It’s not as though we broke the law. It was done out of love and compassion…. That thing with the Holocaust survivors was an isolated incident…. A clerical error…. Some of our followers in the Dominican Republic just really love Anne Frank.”

It was done out of love and compassion. It’s not as though we broke the law.

Wait, wait, this is familiar!

The presumption, fathomless arrogance, and condescension is pure Rombot. Sure, his policies are out-of-touch, insulting and driven by a twisted moral authority—especially in relation to those he deems inferior, the middle and lower working classes, women and minorities–it’s done out of love and compassion.


The only way one might stop the Mormon Church from baptizing the non-Mormon dead would be if, say, the most visible and famous Mormon in the country, denounced the practice and called on the Mormon Church to honor the 1994 agreement between the Church of Latter Day Saints and Jewish groups.

When the news of Wiesenthal’s parents baptism was revealed (You know who’s on deck, now? That’s right, Simon, put on a tie!) Wiesel publically called for the Rombot, a man of faith and conviction, to stop the posthumous baptism of Jews, if only those who were killed in the Holocaust.

Romney’s answer?


Lalalalalalala. Sorry, can’t hear you.

I think we can all agree that there is even less chance of the Rombot speaking to the issue than releasing all his tax returns and coordinates to the secret locations where he’s stashed his kingly riches.

The Rombot really doesn’t want to draw any more attention to the fact there are facets of his faith that some Americans would find, well, odd. He really doesn’t want Jewish voters and super-supporters like Sheldon Adelson—whom he just got to see past the whole polygamy, super-secret underwear business—dwelling on this sort of silly detail.


So I have to wonder why it is that on May 7, 2009 the Salt Lake Tribune reported that the Mormon Church had baptized Obama’s late mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, by proxy in the faith’s Provo temple.

Did the Rombot put Obama’s mom’s name on the list? Why would he, or anyone in The Church do that? I can’t believe it’s because Obama’s mother is held in such high esteem, or the saints believe she has suffered so terribly she needs their mercy. So why?

Did Romney, anticipating that the day would come when he would battle Obama for the job of Ruler of the Free World think it politically advantageous to have to have Obama’s mom in his back pocket?

I want to know, who else—and how much—has the Rombot got in his pocket?



About Elissa Schappell

Elissa Schappell is the author of the short story collections Blueprints for Building Better Girls and Use Me. A former senior editor of The Paris Review, she is the co-founder and editor-at-large of Tin House magazine. She lives in Brooklyn with her family.
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