DAVE BUTZ: playing it safe
MATT BLUNT: too many long hours at the office
KEN BLACKWELL: his bad habit of giving the impression that he’s listening
BLAINE WADE: not setting aside more quality Blaine Time
SUSAN HOWARD: the day she asked questions first
SANDRA FROMAN: that the potential grizzly bear threat never even occurred to her
TOM KING: missing the chance to use his Storm the White House! rally sign
DWIGHT VAN HORN: his confusion about whether or not the 2nd Amendment people still need to stop the judge appointments
JAMES PORTER II: never fully appreciating the panic sales
KARL MALONE: the celebrity endorsements
CRAIG MORGAN: that country music isn’t about the lobbyin’ anymore
BART SKELTON: the low ratings on his Old West fantasy simulation
ESTHER SCHNEIDER: that in today’s society we engage in unhealthy social media arguments over politics instead of settling our differences face-to-face while holding automatic firearms
REP. DAN BOREN: the ceaseless howling wind that imparts to him a single message: Leave this place
SEN. LARRY CRAIG: the dry firing
TOM SELLECK: the inappropriate jokes Senator Craig always whispers into his ear that have something to do with case lube
RICHARD CHILDRESS: realizing too late that he prefers the silencers when they’re illicit
PETE BROWNELL: that liberal elites can’t understand the struggles of average heartland Americans like him whose corporation functions with others in a multi-pronged structure as a tax-exempt lobbying firm, a campaign operative and a pro-bono legal team
ALLEN WEST: his lack of inclusion when sharing online ideas about which citizens he’d like to exterminate
RONNIE BARRETT: all the zones left dismally gun-free
SCOTT BACH: all the grieving family members he never had the chance to comfort with the suggestion that the mass shooting was fake
MARION HAMMER: that our post-apocalyptic wasteland doesn’t look as tremendous as it did in her dreams
REP. BOB BARR: the antichrist tyrants he never realized he loved
ALLAN CORS: sinking more money than any other outside group into the GOP presidential campaign and still the white supremacists get all the glory
GROVER NORQUIST: the split second when he wondered what might happen if emboldened paramilitary groups were hitched together with the unchecked power of the federal executive branch
JOE ALLBAUGH: the new ambiguity of armed resistance to the government
CAROL BAMBERY: the creeping urge to create a rogue Twitter account
REP. DON YOUNG: that they can come for his freedom to speak, protest, create, investigate, express or assemble as long as they can just leave him alone in his house with a loaded weapon
TED NUGENT: overlooked as last year’s experience candidate
JOHN BOLTON: overlooked as the new face on $20
OLIVER NORTH: never telling much larger, more obvious lies
CHRIS COX: encouraging all that patriotism
WAYNE LAPIERRE: the day he accepted the invitation to speak for the group
