Seven Things We Don’t Care About This Week: Celebrities Who Have Had Their Teeth Replaced with Taylor Swift

“Not caring about things since 1971, so you don’t have to.”

Michael Holley's Home Computer 1978

7. Keep Momming — Kid staring out the window, bored with schoolwork? Shire, Inc.—a global innovator in specialty biopharmaceuticals—suggests that you KeepMomming. Because if you were really an engaged parent you’d give your kids modified psychostimulants derived from amphetamines.

Schoolchildren bored in a classroom, during lesson.

6. Your World Vasectomy Day Party Thank you for the invitation, but I must decline. I prefer a quiet celebration, at home, with my vials of frozen sperm.

5. Mitch McConnell

Mitch McConnell

4. Midterm Elections — Quick. Get all the surgery you can before the Republicans dismantle Obamacare. No current health issues? Just extrapolate from family history. Grandpa suffered gout? Have your legs amputated.

3. Unexpectedly Talented Singing and Dancing Children — A repellent side effect of child labor laws that no one wants to talk about.

honeystopit small2

2. Things That are a Thing Now — There’s this thing, where a thing becomes a thing.

1. Space Flight — You spend six months in a cabin the size of an outhouse with Uri—who smells of boiled cabbages and earwax—while gamma rays streak through your skull, nuking your brain like a frozen chimichanga, your bones decalcinating until they’re brittle as twigs, and every three or four days you take a sponge bath in filtered urine.





About Don and Jenny Armbruster

Don and Jenny Armbruster met in the Peace Corps in Switzerland in 1992. After two years of digging wells in Basel, they moved to the Upper East Side, where Don opened the world-renown Armbruster Gallery. Jenny has posed for some of the top avant garde painters and theoretical sculptors working today. They collect rare Merlot, raise championship beagles, and remain huge supporters of the arts. They are presently working together on a cookbook called "Eating Like Van Gogh: Fine Cuisine for Starry Nights."
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