SEVEN THINGS WE DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS WEEK: Pi Day Edition

“Not caring about things since 1971, so that you don’t have to.”

7. The Apple Watch

Even if Steve Jobs’s ghost is inside this machine—and I wouldn’t put it past him—I just don’t see how an expensive watch that doesn’t do anything your phone already does is going to have mass appeal. Don’t we typically worry that we spend entirely too much time, now, on our portable devices? So the solution is another device that’s even easier to be distracted by/obsessed with? Actually, in America, that’s a rhetorical question. Why more devices? Because. Duh.

Haters gonna hate…

6. Newly-Elected Nitwits Fucking Up Foreign Affairs

A confession: during the depths of the George W. Bush fiasco I found myself remembering his father, even The Gipper, more fondly. Low expectations combined with learned helplessness breeds nostalgia, if not the need for powerful narcotics.

A horrific thought: during the depths of the George W. Bush fiasco I found myself searching for consolation, a sense that history would make more a mockery of that administration than they made of our country. Is it possible that, compared to the current crop of Tea Party cretins, we’ll begin to find some silver linings—however spurious—about The Gang That Couldn’t Speak Straight? Seeing the self-righteous Tom Cotton become a pol certain people could rally around, all because of a bellicose, borderline treasonous affront to our Constitution? It’s made me waver.

I know what you’re thinking: no chance, no way. But think about it. If you had a choice between the bumbling buffoon that W. was and, take your pick amongst Rick “Climate Change” Scott, Jodi “Castrating Hogs” Ernst, Scott “Unions/ISIS” Walker or the three-way punchline that is Rubio-Jindal-Perry, don’t you start ruminating, with a sliver less revulsion, George “Mission Accomplished” Bush? (And reaching for something, anything, to sedate yourself?)

5. No-talent ass-clowns forcing the families of geniuses to sue them

It’s unclear if justice was served in the case of Gaye vs. Williams/Thicke, because in a just world neither of those buffoons would be household names in the first place. The only people who lost in this case are the people who had to listen to “Blurred Lines” even a single time. The only good thing to come out of this case is, maybe, it will entice a handful of otherwise oblivious consumers that they should be listening to a lot more Marvin Gaye.

4. Nihilists annihilating historical sites

I remember, in the early days of the new millennium, when the Taliban began destroying statues and thinking: there is no hope here; it’s impossible to reason with thugs who would annihilate history. ISIS is already an affront to anything civilized, and their recent zeal for recording themselves obliterating ancient—some might say sacred—artifacts proves one thing: they want all the attention they can get. (And the image of ostensibly devout traditionalists utilizing the most modern technology to destroy centuries-old monuments is something that Kafka, Orwell and Vonnegut, with a mason jar full of mushroom tea, could never have conceived; the irony and lack of self-awareness of these antagonists is too banal.) They are also itching to provoke a reaction. Here’s hoping, with regards to this issue, all nations can act in concert and give them a response commensurate with their crimes. Better still, instead of a room full of grateful, willing virgins awaiting them, their eternity will be a postmodern Sisyphus scenario, wherein they spend each day sculpting these statues only to have them destroyed, over and over without end.

“No, I was talking about an actual tea party…”

3. Hillary Clinton’s email

I have Hillary fatigue already. And that’s the whole point. Perhaps the only hope the GOP has is manufacturing enough outrage, lapped up by a mostly compliant and ever-prurient media, so that enough people check out, enabling whatever propped-up twit they succeed in nominating to slither past the finish line. Reminder: when you find yourself hating both the players and the game it might mean you’re sane. But it also means the bad guys are probably winning.

2. A-Rod still being a thing

Good news: spring training has commenced. Bad news: A-Rod, against virtually everyone’s wishes, is still around. Equal parts Rasputin and Dracula, he’s The Undead that Refuses to Die. It’s not about the money, and hasn’t been for a long time. It’s about the need for attention, any type of validation from saps who root for the laundry, regardless of how despicable and indefensible the players on the field. Come to think of it, A-Rod may well have a promising political career ahead of him. Maybe his destiny is to redeem himself by brokering peace in the Middle East? (Only then could I bring myself to root for a Yankee…)

It’s complicated…

1. Pi Day

Pi gets its own day, and we’re not talking about apple or pepperoni. We’re talking about π.

Pi Day obliges me to acknowledge I never knew about anything math related. It also reminds me to recommend a masterful movie. If you’ve never seen Pi, Darren Aronofsky’s first (and best) effort, I strongly encourage you to check it out.

(Hint: it’s not just a number; it’s a concept of existence. Or something. Even a math illiterate like me can appreciate how numbers and pure calculations describe and define multiple aspects of what we call reality. That doesn’t mean I endorse being force-fed Algebra as a teenager.)

Pi is not just for math geeks, as both Aronofsky and Kate Bush (to take two notable examples) have proven.

(If Kate Bush had been my Geometry teacher I may have paid more attention in class. I may have learned something. I may have even come by after school in hopes of some tutoring. I may have wanted other things as well. I still do.)