Seven Things We Don’t Care About This Week: Scotland Edition

7. Jessica Simpson’s physique
Yet another voluptuous woman who lost too much weight and has no more curves. And the coverage of this weight loss was a) presented in a super positive light, and b) unavoidable in my news feed all week.

6. Roger Goodell
His first name is slang for “screw over,” and his surname is a truncation of “Go to Hell.” Which is the NFL head honcho’s a) attitude toward former players with head injuries and b) message to women everywhere, respectively.

5. Kanye West
I don’t know where the real Kayne ends and Jay Pharaoh’s SNL impression of him begins. And I don’t care.

4. Hillary Clinton
Zephyr Teachout for president.

3. Lolo Jones
Her “cha cha cha” was missing a cha or two, and her attitude toward the judges was borderline sociopathic. They’ll never tell us, but I bet she had the lowest fan vote of anyone in any week of 19 seasons of Dancing with the Stars. Run along now.

2. Gene Simmons
They’ve recorded one (1) halfway decent song in 40 years. The makeup thing was old in 1982. Now it’s just sad. Take that snake-like tongue and shove it up your ass, Chaim.

1. Scottish independence
Why did anyone think that in the unlikely event that Scotland had voted for independence, it wouldn’t have faced the same consequences as South Carolina and the other confederate states did when they elected to secede? Although in hindsight, Lincoln maybe should have let them go.

About Billy The Poet

J. Edgar Nation must die.
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One Response to Seven Things We Don’t Care About This Week: Scotland Edition

  1. Sean Beaudoin says:

    My two favorite Kiss songs, “Cold Gin” and “Black Diamond,” are both much more decent than halfway.

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