SPRING HAS COME, inspiring me to take stock of my romantic past. A soundtrack comes to mind. No, this isn’t a list of the 50 best love songs or 50 songs about why Rashida Jones should date me. It’s about a single, appropriate song. Paul Simon covered (and Miley Cyrus recently re-covered) the first five of 50 ways to leave your lover:
- You just slip out the back, Jack
- Make a new plan, Stan
- You don’t need to be coy, Roy
- Hop on the bus, Gus
- Just drop off the key, Lee
Despite my efforts, I was unable to track down Simon’s original song draft that presumably finishes the instructions. So, relying on my own experiences, real or imagined, I now present the remaining 45:
6. Simply drop the bomb, Tom
7. Lay the proverbial egg, Greg
8. Give a fond adios, Carlos
9. Send a nice email, Dale
10. Call yourself a cab, McNab
11. Or have you got Uber on your phone, Tyrone?
12. There’s no shame in physician assisted suicide, Clyde
13. Jump on the next tram, Sam
14. Why bother with games, James?
15. No point in being a wuss, Phineas
16. I can think of worse things than a little white lie, Cy
17. Have one fewer plus than a minus, Linus
18. Move out to Roswell, Boswell
19. Buy a solo ticket to Maui, Howie
20. Take the next ferry, Jerry
21. Take the ferry after the next one, when it’s off peak, Zeke
22. You could stop replying to her texts and assume she’ll eventually move on, Don
23. What if you hooked up with her sister Madison, Addison?
24. Have a buddy inform her family that you now “run free on a farm upstate,” Nate
25. Get a new game on, Damon
26. Act grossly unsportsmanlike against her in a game of tennis, Dennis
27. Tell her you’re gay, Jay
28. Pretend you don’t like Broad City, Smitty
29. Incite her to cut off your organ, Morgan
30. Never ever tell her how you really feel, Neil
31. Let her know you’re just waiting for Rashida to call, Paul
32. Refuse to meet her parents, Clarence
33. Buy her far too unflattering a dress, Jess
34. Change your Facebook status line, Carmine
35. Let her know that you were only going out with her to get closer to her BFF, Jeff
36. Explain that it’s time you found a trophy bride, Abejide
37. Fall back on your fear commitment, Trent
38. Hook up with a random bridesmaid, Wade
39. Tell her that you need some time alone to see what it’s like to be without the safety net of a relationship, but then immediately fool around with and decide to move in with your co-worker Ann, Dan
40. Make some unfounded complaint about her “tits,” Fritz
41. Just use the word “moist” or “panties” or “bitch,” Mitch
42. Tell her you won’t repay the money she lent, Kent
43. Don’t bother getting a real job, Rob
44. Constantly be quoting lines from Two and a Half Men, Ben
45. Always leave up the seat, Pete
46. Assume she’s supposed to make a lower salary, Mallory
47. One thing you could do is tell her not you’re not over your previous relationship when you thought you were in a loving, trusting, giving partnership, but that woman was just abusing your trust and the lasting damage has made you currently incapable of opening all parts of your heart to her and letting her in, Reuben
48. Move to St. Louis, Huey
49. Just be a dick, Dick
50. Frankly, she’s the one dumping you, Frank
