The 45 Remaining Ways to Leave Your Lover

SPRING HAS COME, inspiring me to take stock of my romantic past. A soundtrack comes to mind. No, this isn’t a list of the 50 best love songs or 50 songs about why Rashida Jones should date me. It’s about a single, appropriate song. Paul Simon covered (and Miley Cyrus recently re-covered) the first five of 50 ways to leave your lover:

  1. You just slip out the back, Jack
  2. Make a new plan, Stan
  3. You don’t need to be coy, Roy
  4. Hop on the bus, Gus
  5. Just drop off the key, Lee

Despite my efforts, I was unable to track down Simon’s original song draft that presumably finishes the instructions. So, relying on my own experiences, real or imagined, I now present the remaining 45:


6. Simply drop the bomb, Tom

7. Lay the proverbial egg, Greg

8. Give a fond adios, Carlos

9. Send a nice email, Dale

10. Call yourself a cab, McNab

11. Or have you got Uber on your phone, Tyrone?

12. There’s no shame in physician assisted suicide, Clyde

13. Jump on the next tram, Sam

14. Why bother with games, James?

15. No point in being a wuss, Phineas

16. I can think of worse things than a little white lie, Cy

17. Have one fewer plus than a minus, Linus

18. Move out to Roswell, Boswell

19. Buy a solo ticket to Maui, Howie

20. Take the next ferry, Jerry

21. Take the ferry after the next one, when it’s off peak, Zeke

22. You could stop replying to her texts and assume she’ll eventually move on, Don

23. What if you hooked up with her sister Madison, Addison?

24. Have a buddy inform her family that you now “run free on a farm upstate,” Nate

25. Get a new game on, Damon

26. Act grossly unsportsmanlike against her in a game of tennis, Dennis

27. Tell her you’re gay, Jay

28. Pretend you don’t like Broad City, Smitty

29. Incite her to cut off your organ, Morgan

30. Never ever tell her how you really feel, Neil

31. Let her know you’re just waiting for Rashida to call, Paul

32. Refuse to meet her parents, Clarence

33. Buy her far too unflattering a dress, Jess

34. Change your Facebook status line, Carmine

35. Let her know that you were only going out with her to get closer to her BFF, Jeff

36. Explain that it’s time you found a trophy bride, Abejide

37. Fall back on your fear commitment, Trent

38. Hook up with a random bridesmaid, Wade

39. Tell her that you need some time alone to see what it’s like to be without the safety net of a relationship, but then immediately fool around with and decide to move in with your co-worker Ann, Dan

40. Make some unfounded complaint about her “tits,” Fritz

41. Just use the word “moist” or “panties” or “bitch,” Mitch

42. Tell her you won’t repay the money she lent, Kent

43. Don’t bother getting a real job, Rob

44. Constantly be quoting lines from Two and a Half Men, Ben

45. Always leave up the seat, Pete

46. Assume she’s supposed to make a lower salary, Mallory

47. One thing you could do is tell her not you’re not over your previous relationship when you thought you were in a loving, trusting, giving partnership, but that woman was just abusing your trust and the lasting damage has made you currently incapable of opening all parts of your heart to her and letting her in, Reuben

48. Move to St. Louis, Huey

49. Just be a dick, Dick

50. Frankly, she’s the one dumping you, Frank


About Brady Richards

Brady Richards is a freelancer of various ilks. As for his only published novel, one critic wrote, "When reading it, I couldn't decide whether Richards is a horrible writer or an innovative comic genious [sic]."
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